14 Things That Never Fail To Annoy

1- People that drive too goddamn slow. Pull over if you see a goddamn train of cars behind your annoying ass, goddamn it! If possible, go ahead and drive over a steep drop off over the side of the road. Don't worry- I won't mind.

2- Authority figures that frequently abuse their "authority" such as government officials, cops, supervisors and wives. On second thought, I should probably delete that last example. My wife might see that and chop something off (that I may need in the future) in my sleep.

Then I would be sad.

3- Chairs that wobble.

4- Parents that refuse to take their crying babies out of the theater, restaurant, store or strip club.

5- Tomatoes. WTF is all that crap inside of them? Looks like part of a monkey colon.

6- Fast food drive thru(s). No matter how loudly or how many times I slowly tell the doofus my order, they still manage to screw it up.

7- Women who wear shoes that go clompity-clomp-clomp like a horse. Get the fuck away from me! And while you're at it, pull the top half of your expensive, name brand office suit up over your pasty-with-make up face so I can't see your glasses that have those oh-so-trendy little lenses that every office geek in the world seems to be wearing. And if you get too close behind me at the grocery store or wherever, I promise to bend over and let loose my "special cloud of goodness" directly toward your pompous facade.

And please-

Feel free to suck it in! No charge!

8- Computer errors or repeated crashes that take anywhere from a minute to infinity to figure out how to find and/or repair. How many times have I punched a hole in the wall instead of my monitor? Let's put it this way; a fairly decent outside breeze can topple my wobbly desk chair over in a New York second. That means.... it wouldn't take long, just in case you're retarded, my cross-eyed, befuddled friend.

9- Pajama-bottomed, stinking of excrement, redneck Wal-Mart shoppers. Let me please borrow the shotgun from your rusty pick up truck so that I may gleefully blast you in the face. As a bonus, I might even throw in a laugh or two whilst I dance merrily. Cross your fingers!

10- Those of you who place money, material crap and power above everything else in life. Because of these imbeciles who can't think or feel anything beyond their Almighty Dollar or Egos, the animals and the few good people inhabiting this world slowly die for their greed either by poverty, pollution and/or other means. If you fall into this group of wealthy assholes, don't forget to stop by my place for a complete and bloody beating.

11- Weak and/or decaffeinated coffee. Why don't you just piss in a cup?

12- Reality tv. There's not a bit of reality to be found in this cheaply produced sack of televised shitola. Just the inane mutterings and actions of dorks needing attention. Kill them all!

13- Vegans that lecture to carnivores like me. You are the first I'm going to eat when the food runs out.

14- Nosey people. A peek over my shoulder earns a fork stab in the eye.