Nostril Hair And Cock-Eyed Folks Irritate Me

Damn, I hate it when my nostril hair gets so long that it tickles. Really irritating. The battery in my nose hair trimmer is dead so I ended up using my electric shaver. That was awkward because of the angle you have to get at in order to get the job done. And it hurt, too. Does anyone here have a hairy ass crack? I do. But I'm afraid to shave it because the hairs will just get longer. If I did shave my ass crack hairs, I'd have a mullet growing out of my ass within days. My hair on my body (head, back, chest and crack) grows rapidly.

I'm a hairy goddamn beast. Deal with it. By the way, people who are offended by hairy assed people like me, can go jump in a vat of steamy, liquefied shit.

I was at Bob Evans restaurant the other evening when I was approached by a night manager who was cock-eyed. She was cordial, asked how the service and food was, which was great. But..... SHE WAS COCK-EYED. And by God, that really irritates me. I never know which eyeball to direct my attention to when talking to somebody like that. The whole time she was rambling on to me and the rest of my family, I could not gather my thoughts to give her a response to whatever she was blathering on about. I felt like shouting, "Goddamn it! Which eyeball should I speak to?!"

But I kept myself from doing that with the help of myself jabbing a fork in my leg, under the table. Sometimes I restrain myself this way. You should try it the next time you happen to have a fork and feel as though you want to say something inappropriate. Happens to me all the time.

Cock-eyed folks should be required to follow certain rules that the rest of us normal-eyed humans don't. One rule, off the top of my head would be, before speaking to anyone, tell that person which eye to look into during the discussion. And don't say left. And don't say right. Because your left might be my right and so on. Instead, point to one of your freaky, side-gazing eyeballs and shout, "This one, goddamn it!"

I would appreciate that bit of courtesy. So would the rest of us normal-eyed humans. Thanks. If you need me, I'll be in front of the mirror, shaving the tops of my ears.