Thank Buhjesus, The Holidays Are Almost Out Of Here

I hate the goddamn weather around here. It's so schizophrenic.

Check it out. Seventy degrees Fahrenheit for almost 24 hours. Suddenly, within a few hours after this period, it drops to thirty degrees. Somewhere between these extremes, we get hit with freezing rain. The result of this produces a quarter inch glaze of ice on the interstate highways. Dozens of accidents and traffic jams all across the tri-state area pop up faster than you can say, "Oh my God, that crazy bastard in the vehicle up ahead of me is going the speed of light." Then, if you're an even bigger moron, you cry out loud, "Let's try to catch them!"

And then you do catch up to Idiot Number One. Instantly, you crash, joining him or her in a horrendously bloody seven car pile up. When metal meets flesh, it's always a grand time. Hooray. Hooray.... and then some.

But, not really.

People seem to be their dumbest when weather conditions are at their worst.

Let's see. What was the point I was making here? My train of thought has derailed. Oh, yeah.

Unfortunately, I had to get out in all this muck because the wife and I fell behind in the ol' Christmas Is Here, We Have To Prepare And Make like Rabid Pit Bulls Department.

While my wife was at work, I was in a hurry to get to the grocery store. I wanted to get there before the freezing rain came down that night. I had to get a bunch of stuff for the Christmas dinner party my wife and I were going to do for the family. I had my list. I had my coat on. I thought I was good to go.

I get to the new Kroger's Store. Get my grocery cart. Looking at my list in hand and running over the heels of customers in the store, I make my way through about six or seven aisles. Strangely enough, as I roll by some customers, I'm surprised to discover they are smiling at me. Showing teeth and everything. Being the paranoid bastard I so charmingly have become, I begin to wonder why. Usually, people scowl and sometimes, grimace toward me. I think they're just jealous of my good looks. I smile back at them.

Hahaha. And then some.

Eventually, I hear the clank-clank-clank of metal against metal. I look down. I can't believe my belt is completely unbuckled. I can't believe I couldn't hear my damned belt buckle hitting the back of my cart. Only the top button on my pants are fastened. The only force field keeping my junk from falling out are my tighty whiteys. Darn it. Forgot to wear the fuzzy thong. Wait a minute. That's my ass hair!

Anyway, that's why these freaks were gazing upon me and smiling like loons. They thought I was nuts. Or a molester or flasher or something. I wonder what they thought when they saw me smiling back at them.


Me-Me from The Screaming Me-Me twisted my arm and threatened to cut off my junk unless I put up this post. Gosh. How violent.

For more information on my ass hair, check out http://psychocarnival.blogspot.com/2008/12/nostril-hair-and-cock-eyed-folks.html

You will be richly rewarded.

Have You Ever.....

....been at a restaurant and you're at your table and this person that you kind of know but not really know that well comes up and shakes your hand, makes small talk with you, then goes to sit down at their table and then you pick up some kind of food you pretty much have to eat with your hands and you go ahead and chomp into it and then this thought suddenly pops into your head?

I WONDER WHERE THAT PERSON'S HAND HAS BEEN BEFORE I SHOOK IT. THAT HAND COULD HAVE BEEN SCRATCHING THAT PERSON'S GREASY HEAD, SWEATY ARMPIT, ACNE SPECKLED BACK OR WRINKLY NUT SACK BEFORE IT TOUCHED MY UNTAINTED, UNDEFILED APPENDAGE.

Have you ever.... been on a wild roller coaster at an amusement park and wonder what it would be like if the coaster you were riding suddenly became unhinged, flew off the track, tumbled downward, over and over, then crushed a bunch of people below into paste, who just recently had been pointing up into the air, shrieking toward your oncoming ride instead of getting the freaking hell out of the way?

Have you ever.... stabbed a frog in the belly with a tree limb and put it over a campfire just to hear it scream? I have. And I sometimes think of that time with regret, especially when I eat frog legs. Mmmmmm.

Have you ever.... heard of a government that would give the wealthiest corporations and banks in the world hundreds of billions of dollars without finding out how the taxpayer's money was spent after the "loan" or "bailout" or "scam"?

Not until about a month ago. Why? What's wrong with that kind of thinking? Where's your anger? Or blind obedience? Heh heh.

Have you ever.... heard of a mother that has purposely given birth to 18 children? I have. She's the mother of the Duggar family from Arkansas. Click this link for more info on that. Since this last little blessing has dropped into this family's life, I have often wondered if this woman somehow believes herself to be a human vending machine, or perhaps, she feels that her vagina is a clown car and has cheerfully opted to force her ever widening clown car door to pop out as many little hairless clowns as it can.

Sad Reality Of The Auto Bailout

Nostril Hair And Cock-Eyed Folks Irritate Me

Damn, I hate it when my nostril hair gets so long that it tickles. Really irritating. The battery in my nose hair trimmer is dead so I ended up using my electric shaver. That was awkward because of the angle you have to get at in order to get the job done. And it hurt, too. Does anyone here have a hairy ass crack? I do. But I'm afraid to shave it because the hairs will just get longer. If I did shave my ass crack hairs, I'd have a mullet growing out of my ass within days. My hair on my body (head, back, chest and crack) grows rapidly.

I'm a hairy goddamn beast. Deal with it. By the way, people who are offended by hairy assed people like me, can go jump in a vat of steamy, liquefied shit.

I was at Bob Evans restaurant the other evening when I was approached by a night manager who was cock-eyed. She was cordial, asked how the service and food was, which was great. But..... SHE WAS COCK-EYED. And by God, that really irritates me. I never know which eyeball to direct my attention to when talking to somebody like that. The whole time she was rambling on to me and the rest of my family, I could not gather my thoughts to give her a response to whatever she was blathering on about. I felt like shouting, "Goddamn it! Which eyeball should I speak to?!"

But I kept myself from doing that with the help of myself jabbing a fork in my leg, under the table. Sometimes I restrain myself this way. You should try it the next time you happen to have a fork and feel as though you want to say something inappropriate. Happens to me all the time.

Cock-eyed folks should be required to follow certain rules that the rest of us normal-eyed humans don't. One rule, off the top of my head would be, before speaking to anyone, tell that person which eye to look into during the discussion. And don't say left. And don't say right. Because your left might be my right and so on. Instead, point to one of your freaky, side-gazing eyeballs and shout, "This one, goddamn it!"

I would appreciate that bit of courtesy. So would the rest of us normal-eyed humans. Thanks. If you need me, I'll be in front of the mirror, shaving the tops of my ears.

Rat-Quick Bush Dodges Shoes

CLIP OF SOON TO BE EX-PREZ GEORGE W. GETTING BOOTS THROWN AT HIM

Oh man.... if only one of them had at least made contact. Oh well, we can dream, can't we?

One Year Blog Anniversary

Zippity-Freakin-Doo-Dah, folks. I've made it a whole year making the magic happen. I created this masterpiece, for you, you and the asshole on the left just to show ya how much I care. And I care a lot. I've touched many of you heathens (but only on the taint) and made ya believe in the Good Lode again (And what a load he hath given us, thus far). Yes, throughout this past year I've used this blog to shape minds, mend broken hearts and spread good cheer (which I call, humbly, shit).

I've had fun. I'm serious now. Puh-puh-please believe me. (stuttering problem)

As an added bonus, I've met (not in persons) many bloggers that I call friends. And they're the best kind of friends, too. They laugh at some of your jokes and won't ask for money. Can't beat that with a paraplegic midget. But please call me over when you're about to try. Buh-dum-bum.

The first blogger I befriended was Sy from The Wheel Is Turning But The Hamster Is Dead . He's got a real flair for humor. The funny kind. And a good guy, from what I can tell (Hmmmm). And he's British so he talks funny. (Just kiddin' mister Sy) Seriously, Sy and I were crackin' each other up (with sledgehammers) all the way back to the days of bloggerforum. Thanks, Sy. Check out his damned site for damned laughs. Damn it.

Since then, I've made a crap load of buds from other blogs. Some are still kickin' it with their blogs. Some have disappeared into the mystery hole where bloggers lose their way or get terminal writer's block or they're kidnapped by an old drugged out carnie, named Hank, of course, with a massive booger hanging out his left nostril and hands drenched with goo.

What?

Look to my right column. It would be the one on the right. Where it says, Check Out These Blogs Or Suffer Horribly. Okay. Now, do yourself a favor and check all of them out. Or you will suffer horribly. Really. Seriously, all these people running these blogs provide nothing but top quality laughs, entertainment and information. They're the best. I would call them friends. Damo, from Angry Clown is throwing up even as I write this. Good.

To me a blog is an amazing way to express your thoughts. It's a more distinct, clearer way, for certain. The details are in the words, folks. It's one of the true benefits of writing out your ideas. I've gained infinite (well, not really infinite) amounts of wisdom, laughs and whatnot while blogging with you folks. I hope you've gotten at least a teeny tiny bit of something from me. (not that funky stuff)

CHEERS!

For The Sensitive

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a 'BREASTED AMERICAN.

2. She is not a 'SCREAMER' or a 'MOANER' - She is 'VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

3. She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'

4. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE - She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

5. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.

6. She is not an 'AIRHEAD' - She is 'REALITY IMPAIRED.

7. She does not get 'DRUNK' or 'TIPSY' - She gets 'CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED

8. She does not have 'BREAST IMPLANTS' - She is 'MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

9. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes 'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

10. She is not a 'TRAMP' - She is 'SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

11. She does not have 'MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS' - She is 'PECTORALLY SUPERIOR'

12. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a 'LOW COST PROVIDER.'

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is 'OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He 'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

5. He is not a 'CRADLE ROBBER' - He prefers 'GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.

6. He does not get 'FALLING-DOWN DRUNK' - He becomes 'ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

7. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of 'RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.

8. He is not a 'MALE CHAUVINIST PIG' - He has 'SWINE EMPATHY.

9. He is not afraid of 'COMMITMENT' - He is 'RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED.

10. He is not 'HORNY' - He is 'SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

11. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'REAR CLEAVAGE.

*This was forwarded to the wife and I from her co-worker. I placed it here due to me having an annoying case of writer's block. I would apologize but I'm not that sensitive.

Santa's North Pole

My wife, when she was 12 years old, was already starting to fill in at the top. In other words, her words, she had a rack. I wouldn't know. Coincidentally, we lived in the same neighborhood at the time, but I really didn't know her. The first time she ever saw me, I was up in a tree making noises like a monkey. But that's another story.

For that reason-and many more-I'm surprised she agreed, years later, to marry me. But I digress.

Anyway, her mom convinced her to sit on Santa's lap that year in our town's Santa's Castle. My wife had told her she really didn't feel like it. Santa's Castle was basically a red and white shed on wheels. It kind of resembled a castle. If you squinted long enough at it and drank enough tequila.

Santa promted her to come forward, noticing she was embarrassed and a little nervous. Finally, she got the nerve and sat on his lap. Lo and behold, my wife said she felt Santa's North Pole bumping into her butt crack. She was so shocked and frightened by this, she quickly got off jolly ol' St. Nick's lap, posthaste. When she turned around, sure enough, he was saying, "Ho ho
ho" while "pitchin' a tent" in his festive red pants.

She also said she could smell the alcohol on his breath during the short time she was on his lap.

I forgot to ask her if Santa inquired as to why she got off before he had the chance to ask her what she wanted. Maybe he figured it out in his drunken stupor.

She never thought of anybody in a Santa suit quite the same way since. She laughs about that incident now. I'm glad. Heh heh.

Festive Little Ditty

Sung by John Black. I'm posting this clip because of what I wrote before in the post before this one. Does that make sense? Anyway, read the preceding post, watch this clip and you'll see what I mean.




This link was given to me, with gratitude, by Static. Check out this crazy guy's website here

Now Why Is That?

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for sex.

"What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what sex was, and he said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree. " Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have that all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground, and spread her legs wide. "Here," she said, pointing, "You must put it in here. " Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "Why the hell did you do that?"

"Tarzan check for bees!"

This joke made me laugh. It also got me to thinking why, in this society, is it easier to accept a guy getting kicked between the legs as humor- but not a woman.

America's Funniest Home Video's bread and butter is their endless collection of clips of people getting hurt. About half of those are of guys receiving a wallop to the berries. This almost always garners a laugh from the audience and some people sitting at home, watching.

Men may laugh but they also wince. We know what it's like to get our nuts crunched. It's quite excruciating. Rarely do you see a woman getting a kick or swift whack to the coochie in those clips. I guess it's somehow not as funny in tv land so it isn't shown. From what I've been told by a couple females I know, it hurts like hell when they take a hit to the love pocket.

But why is it "funnier" to show a man getting hurt instead of a woman? Seems sexist to me. What do you think?

Watch People Fly!

This has to be one of the most dangerous and exhilarating sports I've ever seen.

Amazing Story

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Brookfield Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed his stupid ass against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

This is for all the people who send me heartwarming stories.

Thanks Gerk, for the contribution.

The Strange "Foods" People Are Willing To Eat

Recently, I've been watching "Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern" on the Travel Channel. At first, I was only disgusted by what some folks around the world thought of as edible. Of course, my morbid curiosity kicked in and now I watch the show every now and then. The last episode I caught had Andy munchin' on rooster balls, chicken heads and a big bloated frog that had it's raw guts prominently displayed in a bowl. Andy cheerfully gobbled it up, pausing only to describe the various tastes of each item. The detailed descriptions he gives really add ambiance to the images of the "food" lovingly provided by the camera man who enjoys zooming in on all the entrails, brains and myriad of juices oozing forth from the cuisine.


What really drops my jaw is when he munches on something that's still alive. One time, I watched Andy eat a large, plump spider that was writhing in agony as he bit into it.


I wonder if this guy has a girlfriend: A girlfriend willing to kiss him after some of the repulsive crap he has shoved between his lips for the sake of a tv show.



To be fair, I'm sure there are folks around the world who are equally repulsed/fascinated by the some of the things we eat here in America. Perhaps they're shocked about our consuming of beef. Maybe it's venison. It could be a lot of things.



My sister tried breaded rattlesnake when the family traveled to Wyoming one year. I've had alligator meat. Tastes like chicken. Ha ha. I've chowed down on buffalo burgers and squirrel, too.


After doing some research, I've found out more about what people on this planet consider digestible. I've provided a list of some of the most shocking "edibles" for you to enjoy. Bon appetite!



Maggot Cheese (Italy)

During the aging process, a fly called Piophila casei deposits its eggs on the cheese. When the maggots are born, they move throughout the cheese, excreting enzymes that give it an overwhelmingly pungent smell, a rotten taste, and a soft, creamy texture.

Ox Penis (Asia)

The penis is generally cooked by steaming or deep frying, and can also be eaten raw.

Rats (various parts of the world)

Balut-Duck Fetus (Philippines, Cambodia, Vietnam, Thailand)












Jellied Cow's Foot (Poland)

Unfortunately, I don't have a picture of this for you to drool over. I hope this recipe helps you, though.

Buy a cow's foot in a butcher shop, chop it up and cook for hours & hours in water with spices, garlic, salt, pepper, etc. It is a good idea to evacuate the house during cooking time to avoid the overwhelming smell. Then pour this mess into a large flat pan and refrigerate. It sets to a nice translucent grey jelly with a layer of fat on top. Cut into large cubes and serve with lots of horseradish to kill the taste.


Blood Dumplings (Sweden)

Sorry, no picture of that available either. But here's what it is made of:

It's made of flour, reindeer blood and salt, served with bacon, butter and lingonberry jam. Cooked or fried. Yummy!


Baby Bees (Japan)













Monkey Brains (China)

























Hu-Hu Grubs (New Zealand)

As an added bonus, I've included this link to a woman who cooks human placentas and even has a "special" recipe for it. I bet your mouth is watering already. Check it out if you have the guts.