Thank Buhjesus, The Holidays Are Almost Out Of Here

I hate the goddamn weather around here. It's so schizophrenic.

Check it out. Seventy degrees Fahrenheit for almost 24 hours. Suddenly, within a few hours after this period, it drops to thirty degrees. Somewhere between these extremes, we get hit with freezing rain. The result of this produces a quarter inch glaze of ice on the interstate highways. Dozens of accidents and traffic jams all across the tri-state area pop up faster than you can say, "Oh my God, that crazy bastard in the vehicle up ahead of me is going the speed of light." Then, if you're an even bigger moron, you cry out loud, "Let's try to catch them!"

And then you do catch up to Idiot Number One. Instantly, you crash, joining him or her in a horrendously bloody seven car pile up. When metal meets flesh, it's always a grand time. Hooray. Hooray.... and then some.

But, not really.

People seem to be their dumbest when weather conditions are at their worst.

Let's see. What was the point I was making here? My train of thought has derailed. Oh, yeah.

Unfortunately, I had to get out in all this muck because the wife and I fell behind in the ol' Christmas Is Here, We Have To Prepare And Make like Rabid Pit Bulls Department.

While my wife was at work, I was in a hurry to get to the grocery store. I wanted to get there before the freezing rain came down that night. I had to get a bunch of stuff for the Christmas dinner party my wife and I were going to do for the family. I had my list. I had my coat on. I thought I was good to go.

I get to the new Kroger's Store. Get my grocery cart. Looking at my list in hand and running over the heels of customers in the store, I make my way through about six or seven aisles. Strangely enough, as I roll by some customers, I'm surprised to discover they are smiling at me. Showing teeth and everything. Being the paranoid bastard I so charmingly have become, I begin to wonder why. Usually, people scowl and sometimes, grimace toward me. I think they're just jealous of my good looks. I smile back at them.

Hahaha. And then some.

Eventually, I hear the clank-clank-clank of metal against metal. I look down. I can't believe my belt is completely unbuckled. I can't believe I couldn't hear my damned belt buckle hitting the back of my cart. Only the top button on my pants are fastened. The only force field keeping my junk from falling out are my tighty whiteys. Darn it. Forgot to wear the fuzzy thong. Wait a minute. That's my ass hair!

Anyway, that's why these freaks were gazing upon me and smiling like loons. They thought I was nuts. Or a molester or flasher or something. I wonder what they thought when they saw me smiling back at them.


Me-Me from The Screaming Me-Me twisted my arm and threatened to cut off my junk unless I put up this post. Gosh. How violent.

For more information on my ass hair, check out http://psychocarnival.blogspot.com/2008/12/nostril-hair-and-cock-eyed-folks.html

You will be richly rewarded.

Have You Ever.....

....been at a restaurant and you're at your table and this person that you kind of know but not really know that well comes up and shakes your hand, makes small talk with you, then goes to sit down at their table and then you pick up some kind of food you pretty much have to eat with your hands and you go ahead and chomp into it and then this thought suddenly pops into your head?

I WONDER WHERE THAT PERSON'S HAND HAS BEEN BEFORE I SHOOK IT. THAT HAND COULD HAVE BEEN SCRATCHING THAT PERSON'S GREASY HEAD, SWEATY ARMPIT, ACNE SPECKLED BACK OR WRINKLY NUT SACK BEFORE IT TOUCHED MY UNTAINTED, UNDEFILED APPENDAGE.

Have you ever.... been on a wild roller coaster at an amusement park and wonder what it would be like if the coaster you were riding suddenly became unhinged, flew off the track, tumbled downward, over and over, then crushed a bunch of people below into paste, who just recently had been pointing up into the air, shrieking toward your oncoming ride instead of getting the freaking hell out of the way?

Have you ever.... stabbed a frog in the belly with a tree limb and put it over a campfire just to hear it scream? I have. And I sometimes think of that time with regret, especially when I eat frog legs. Mmmmmm.

Have you ever.... heard of a government that would give the wealthiest corporations and banks in the world hundreds of billions of dollars without finding out how the taxpayer's money was spent after the "loan" or "bailout" or "scam"?

Not until about a month ago. Why? What's wrong with that kind of thinking? Where's your anger? Or blind obedience? Heh heh.

Have you ever.... heard of a mother that has purposely given birth to 18 children? I have. She's the mother of the Duggar family from Arkansas. Click this link for more info on that. Since this last little blessing has dropped into this family's life, I have often wondered if this woman somehow believes herself to be a human vending machine, or perhaps, she feels that her vagina is a clown car and has cheerfully opted to force her ever widening clown car door to pop out as many little hairless clowns as it can.

Sad Reality Of The Auto Bailout

Nostril Hair And Cock-Eyed Folks Irritate Me

Damn, I hate it when my nostril hair gets so long that it tickles. Really irritating. The battery in my nose hair trimmer is dead so I ended up using my electric shaver. That was awkward because of the angle you have to get at in order to get the job done. And it hurt, too. Does anyone here have a hairy ass crack? I do. But I'm afraid to shave it because the hairs will just get longer. If I did shave my ass crack hairs, I'd have a mullet growing out of my ass within days. My hair on my body (head, back, chest and crack) grows rapidly.

I'm a hairy goddamn beast. Deal with it. By the way, people who are offended by hairy assed people like me, can go jump in a vat of steamy, liquefied shit.

I was at Bob Evans restaurant the other evening when I was approached by a night manager who was cock-eyed. She was cordial, asked how the service and food was, which was great. But..... SHE WAS COCK-EYED. And by God, that really irritates me. I never know which eyeball to direct my attention to when talking to somebody like that. The whole time she was rambling on to me and the rest of my family, I could not gather my thoughts to give her a response to whatever she was blathering on about. I felt like shouting, "Goddamn it! Which eyeball should I speak to?!"

But I kept myself from doing that with the help of myself jabbing a fork in my leg, under the table. Sometimes I restrain myself this way. You should try it the next time you happen to have a fork and feel as though you want to say something inappropriate. Happens to me all the time.

Cock-eyed folks should be required to follow certain rules that the rest of us normal-eyed humans don't. One rule, off the top of my head would be, before speaking to anyone, tell that person which eye to look into during the discussion. And don't say left. And don't say right. Because your left might be my right and so on. Instead, point to one of your freaky, side-gazing eyeballs and shout, "This one, goddamn it!"

I would appreciate that bit of courtesy. So would the rest of us normal-eyed humans. Thanks. If you need me, I'll be in front of the mirror, shaving the tops of my ears.

Rat-Quick Bush Dodges Shoes

CLIP OF SOON TO BE EX-PREZ GEORGE W. GETTING BOOTS THROWN AT HIM

Oh man.... if only one of them had at least made contact. Oh well, we can dream, can't we?

One Year Blog Anniversary

Zippity-Freakin-Doo-Dah, folks. I've made it a whole year making the magic happen. I created this masterpiece, for you, you and the asshole on the left just to show ya how much I care. And I care a lot. I've touched many of you heathens (but only on the taint) and made ya believe in the Good Lode again (And what a load he hath given us, thus far). Yes, throughout this past year I've used this blog to shape minds, mend broken hearts and spread good cheer (which I call, humbly, shit).

I've had fun. I'm serious now. Puh-puh-please believe me. (stuttering problem)

As an added bonus, I've met (not in persons) many bloggers that I call friends. And they're the best kind of friends, too. They laugh at some of your jokes and won't ask for money. Can't beat that with a paraplegic midget. But please call me over when you're about to try. Buh-dum-bum.

The first blogger I befriended was Sy from The Wheel Is Turning But The Hamster Is Dead . He's got a real flair for humor. The funny kind. And a good guy, from what I can tell (Hmmmm). And he's British so he talks funny. (Just kiddin' mister Sy) Seriously, Sy and I were crackin' each other up (with sledgehammers) all the way back to the days of bloggerforum. Thanks, Sy. Check out his damned site for damned laughs. Damn it.

Since then, I've made a crap load of buds from other blogs. Some are still kickin' it with their blogs. Some have disappeared into the mystery hole where bloggers lose their way or get terminal writer's block or they're kidnapped by an old drugged out carnie, named Hank, of course, with a massive booger hanging out his left nostril and hands drenched with goo.

What?

Look to my right column. It would be the one on the right. Where it says, Check Out These Blogs Or Suffer Horribly. Okay. Now, do yourself a favor and check all of them out. Or you will suffer horribly. Really. Seriously, all these people running these blogs provide nothing but top quality laughs, entertainment and information. They're the best. I would call them friends. Damo, from Angry Clown is throwing up even as I write this. Good.

To me a blog is an amazing way to express your thoughts. It's a more distinct, clearer way, for certain. The details are in the words, folks. It's one of the true benefits of writing out your ideas. I've gained infinite (well, not really infinite) amounts of wisdom, laughs and whatnot while blogging with you folks. I hope you've gotten at least a teeny tiny bit of something from me. (not that funky stuff)

CHEERS!

For The Sensitive

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a 'BREASTED AMERICAN.

2. She is not a 'SCREAMER' or a 'MOANER' - She is 'VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

3. She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'

4. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE - She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

5. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.

6. She is not an 'AIRHEAD' - She is 'REALITY IMPAIRED.

7. She does not get 'DRUNK' or 'TIPSY' - She gets 'CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED

8. She does not have 'BREAST IMPLANTS' - She is 'MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

9. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes 'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'

10. She is not a 'TRAMP' - She is 'SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

11. She does not have 'MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS' - She is 'PECTORALLY SUPERIOR'

12. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a 'LOW COST PROVIDER.'

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is 'OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He 'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

5. He is not a 'CRADLE ROBBER' - He prefers 'GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.

6. He does not get 'FALLING-DOWN DRUNK' - He becomes 'ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

7. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of 'RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.

8. He is not a 'MALE CHAUVINIST PIG' - He has 'SWINE EMPATHY.

9. He is not afraid of 'COMMITMENT' - He is 'RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED.

10. He is not 'HORNY' - He is 'SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

11. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'REAR CLEAVAGE.

*This was forwarded to the wife and I from her co-worker. I placed it here due to me having an annoying case of writer's block. I would apologize but I'm not that sensitive.

Santa's North Pole

My wife, when she was 12 years old, was already starting to fill in at the top. In other words, her words, she had a rack. I wouldn't know. Coincidentally, we lived in the same neighborhood at the time, but I really didn't know her. The first time she ever saw me, I was up in a tree making noises like a monkey. But that's another story.

For that reason-and many more-I'm surprised she agreed, years later, to marry me. But I digress.

Anyway, her mom convinced her to sit on Santa's lap that year in our town's Santa's Castle. My wife had told her she really didn't feel like it. Santa's Castle was basically a red and white shed on wheels. It kind of resembled a castle. If you squinted long enough at it and drank enough tequila.

Santa promted her to come forward, noticing she was embarrassed and a little nervous. Finally, she got the nerve and sat on his lap. Lo and behold, my wife said she felt Santa's North Pole bumping into her butt crack. She was so shocked and frightened by this, she quickly got off jolly ol' St. Nick's lap, posthaste. When she turned around, sure enough, he was saying, "Ho ho
ho" while "pitchin' a tent" in his festive red pants.

She also said she could smell the alcohol on his breath during the short time she was on his lap.

I forgot to ask her if Santa inquired as to why she got off before he had the chance to ask her what she wanted. Maybe he figured it out in his drunken stupor.

She never thought of anybody in a Santa suit quite the same way since. She laughs about that incident now. I'm glad. Heh heh.

Festive Little Ditty

Sung by John Black. I'm posting this clip because of what I wrote before in the post before this one. Does that make sense? Anyway, read the preceding post, watch this clip and you'll see what I mean.




This link was given to me, with gratitude, by Static. Check out this crazy guy's website here

Now Why Is That?

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for sex.

"What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what sex was, and he said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree. " Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have that all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground, and spread her legs wide. "Here," she said, pointing, "You must put it in here. " Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "Why the hell did you do that?"

"Tarzan check for bees!"

This joke made me laugh. It also got me to thinking why, in this society, is it easier to accept a guy getting kicked between the legs as humor- but not a woman.

America's Funniest Home Video's bread and butter is their endless collection of clips of people getting hurt. About half of those are of guys receiving a wallop to the berries. This almost always garners a laugh from the audience and some people sitting at home, watching.

Men may laugh but they also wince. We know what it's like to get our nuts crunched. It's quite excruciating. Rarely do you see a woman getting a kick or swift whack to the coochie in those clips. I guess it's somehow not as funny in tv land so it isn't shown. From what I've been told by a couple females I know, it hurts like hell when they take a hit to the love pocket.

But why is it "funnier" to show a man getting hurt instead of a woman? Seems sexist to me. What do you think?

Watch People Fly!

This has to be one of the most dangerous and exhilarating sports I've ever seen.

Amazing Story

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Brookfield Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed his stupid ass against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

This is for all the people who send me heartwarming stories.

Thanks Gerk, for the contribution.

The Strange "Foods" People Are Willing To Eat

Recently, I've been watching "Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern" on the Travel Channel. At first, I was only disgusted by what some folks around the world thought of as edible. Of course, my morbid curiosity kicked in and now I watch the show every now and then. The last episode I caught had Andy munchin' on rooster balls, chicken heads and a big bloated frog that had it's raw guts prominently displayed in a bowl. Andy cheerfully gobbled it up, pausing only to describe the various tastes of each item. The detailed descriptions he gives really add ambiance to the images of the "food" lovingly provided by the camera man who enjoys zooming in on all the entrails, brains and myriad of juices oozing forth from the cuisine.


What really drops my jaw is when he munches on something that's still alive. One time, I watched Andy eat a large, plump spider that was writhing in agony as he bit into it.


I wonder if this guy has a girlfriend: A girlfriend willing to kiss him after some of the repulsive crap he has shoved between his lips for the sake of a tv show.



To be fair, I'm sure there are folks around the world who are equally repulsed/fascinated by the some of the things we eat here in America. Perhaps they're shocked about our consuming of beef. Maybe it's venison. It could be a lot of things.



My sister tried breaded rattlesnake when the family traveled to Wyoming one year. I've had alligator meat. Tastes like chicken. Ha ha. I've chowed down on buffalo burgers and squirrel, too.


After doing some research, I've found out more about what people on this planet consider digestible. I've provided a list of some of the most shocking "edibles" for you to enjoy. Bon appetite!



Maggot Cheese (Italy)

During the aging process, a fly called Piophila casei deposits its eggs on the cheese. When the maggots are born, they move throughout the cheese, excreting enzymes that give it an overwhelmingly pungent smell, a rotten taste, and a soft, creamy texture.

Ox Penis (Asia)

The penis is generally cooked by steaming or deep frying, and can also be eaten raw.

Rats (various parts of the world)

Balut-Duck Fetus (Philippines, Cambodia, Vietnam, Thailand)












Jellied Cow's Foot (Poland)

Unfortunately, I don't have a picture of this for you to drool over. I hope this recipe helps you, though.

Buy a cow's foot in a butcher shop, chop it up and cook for hours & hours in water with spices, garlic, salt, pepper, etc. It is a good idea to evacuate the house during cooking time to avoid the overwhelming smell. Then pour this mess into a large flat pan and refrigerate. It sets to a nice translucent grey jelly with a layer of fat on top. Cut into large cubes and serve with lots of horseradish to kill the taste.


Blood Dumplings (Sweden)

Sorry, no picture of that available either. But here's what it is made of:

It's made of flour, reindeer blood and salt, served with bacon, butter and lingonberry jam. Cooked or fried. Yummy!


Baby Bees (Japan)













Monkey Brains (China)

























Hu-Hu Grubs (New Zealand)

As an added bonus, I've included this link to a woman who cooks human placentas and even has a "special" recipe for it. I bet your mouth is watering already. Check it out if you have the guts.

People Are Evil

I'm sure that comes to no surprise to you. There are always the naysayers to this statement, claiming there are still some good people around. Then there are the clever bastards that won't take a risk either way in the discussion by pointing out that people can do bad at times or good at times. Lucky for all of ya, I'm here to fill ya in on The Truth. People are vile, crazy and evil! A-goddam-men and HalleBerry-U-Yah!

I'm also sure you heard, read or saw the news about the 2000 customers that crushed and killed the Walmart employee during their Friday Blitz Sale in New York. The greedy idiots, at five in the morning, crumpled the doorway to the store and crushed Jdimytai Damour before he could get out of the way. I know I'm late in the game in talking about this, but I believe this is another fine example of people being cold blooded and outrageously nutty. It needs to be thrown in our collective faces and we need to learn from this disturbing story.

When the cops came to investigate what happened at the store, the disgusting freaks couldn't care less.

Kimberly Cribbs, who witnessed the stampede, said shoppers were acting like "savages."

"When they were saying they had to leave, that an employee got killed, people were yelling `I've been on line since yesterday morning,'" she said. "They kept shopping."

The only thing these selfish morons cared about was how fast they could get the cheap, crappy made TV (or some other useless item) on sale before the store ran out of stock.

There are many incidents like this, where somebody has either been killed or seriously injured during the holidays or any other time due to the selfishness and greed of people. It angers me because it shows how ignorant, cruel and impatient the hairless monkeys on this planet truly are. If I ever see somebody acting this way, in order to get a piece of crap (or whatever) in a store, I'm going to take a sledgehammer to their freaking skull. I'll have to purchase one first because I won't have it handy on me but I will.

Happy Holidays.

Watching The Fire During Hippie Thanksgiving

My sister hosted Hippie Thanksgiving this year, Saturday. There, we had turkey, green bean casserole, a cheesy potato dish, a variety of pies, deer meat, a big bonfire after the meal and I don't know what else. I was a little drunk later that night. Details are fuzzy.

Most everybody contributed something to the festivities. Could have been food. Could have been an alcoholic concoction. Could have been a funny joke or story. Could have been a jab to the kidneys. Who knows?

It was a great time. Got to talk to friends I hadn't seen for half a year to a year. We talked about politics, idiotic thieves, throwing friends in the bonfire and -wait- Did I just say throwing friends in the bonfire? Well, we talked about it. There was a time when we would all get nice n' fucked up and actually tried sending a friend or two into the flames of hell. One of them, in particular, was Gerk. Throughout the years, he's been singed by the fire a good number of times during our parties. Either his feet or his crotch have tasted the heat of the fire every now and then. Oh, how he'd scream. Heh heh. Yes, good times.

Sometimes, we would set unopened cans of baked beans or whatever we could find upon the hot coals in the pit. Sure enough, they would explode, sending shrapnel and showers of bubbling hot bean particles upon our drunken asses. Before the impending explosions, a few of us would run behind trees. Others would flee behind the huge propane tank that sits only twenty feet away from the fire pit. Some of waited patiently for the blast to hit us in the face. The anticipation was as thick as crusty pudding.

Pass the whisky and moonshine please. Don't want ta be feelin' it. Ka-Pow!

What fun!

But we're all old now. Our tribe of friends are in their late thirties to mid 40's. We've outgrown those stunts, for the most part. Kind of sad. Kind of expected. Now we only make threats of roasting Gerk in the fire. He laughs nowadays, knowing he is safe from that scenario. That, too, is sad. I miss all of us chasing him down, viciously grabbing hold of every wriggling limb and carrying him to the pit.

Aside from all that, it was a relaxing evening this past Saturday. My friends and I sat close to the fire, watching it, mesmerised by the flames. It was cold. Around 20 something degrees. But that didn't matter. All that matters is telling old stories, sharing laughs with friends and watching the fire.

You're Gonna Go Far, Kid

New great video from Offspring. I loved the song. Had a lot of melody and frantic energy to it. The production value is high. The effects are well done. The imagery is pretty wild and has that creepy old film feeling throughout.




My take on the video's plot is this: Guy receives the gift of music and then uses it to gain fame and fortune. Eventually, he becomes corrupted by the music business. Then, as fast as all that was good happened to him, it is all taken away.

Sister Anne Has Had Enough

Tired of praying the same old prayers, not being allowed to speak her mind and not being able to diddle herself in private without one of the other nuns catching her in the act, Sister Anne has taken it upon herself to find God the old fashioned way, the way the ancient people of times past discovered Him (or Her or It).

In a recent interview with People magazine, Sister Anne has declared that "she has had enough of this society full of tedium, hypocrisy and idiots."

When asked what was her breaking point, the nun from Detroit put down her instrument of peace and wistfully replied, "Mother Superior recently chastised me for saying that all the major corporations in this country are ran by fucking morons with bloated salaries and a total lack of regard for those laboring for them. She also got on my case for finding a Playgirl magazine underneath my mattress. I told her, 'If Father Cypress can play Hide The Kielbasa with Danny the Alter Boy, I should be allowed to have my fair share of entertainment, too.'

"This world needs an enema," added Sister Anne, before raising her hand and giving everyone in the room the finger.

My Fond Pictorial Tribute To George Bush: Heartless Imbecile Extraordinaire

Because I don't mind showing how much I truly care.

I added a few pics of Cheney, too. Thought he should be honored, as well.

Click the pics for bigger images.

Bush Is Doing As Much Wrong As He Can Before Leaving Office

The Bush Administration is putting forth regulations that will allow animals and plants, in real danger of becoming completely extinct, to lose the protection of government experts. They want to do this before president-elect Obama is in the White House. They believe Obama will try to change what they have done.

Check out the rest of this story.

Rapper Shoots A Guy, Writes A Song About It And Goes To Prison

Rico Todriquez Wright is a major dumbass.

Listen to this:

This criminal/rapper, Rico Wright, shot Chad Blue once in the thigh and once in the groin. Later, Wright wrote a song describing the shooting and calling out the victim (Blue) by name. Real smart, Rico.

Chad Blue, 28, told police he had known Wright before the September 2006 shooting, but that the men weren't friendly.

Gee. Ya think?

Later, Blue explained to police he recognized Rico's voice on a CD, singing "Chad Blue knows how I shoot." Smart title.

Monday, a judge sentenced Rico The Rap Genius to spend the next 20 years in prison after his victim made it known to the cops about Rico's hip hop confession. Wright was sentenced to 20 years for two counts of aggravated assault. He will spend another 20 years on probation.

I say Rico should be neutered on top of getting 20 years in the clink. Why? So he can't add his "stupid angry man" genes to the gene pool, of course.

Cool New Widget

The World Clock widget I've added below in my footer is an entertaining, informative gadget I snagged off of poodwaddle.com. It's much more than just a clock that tells you the time in all the major cities of the world. The statistics that are continually displayed are mind boggling. It would behoove you to hit the Pause button on the upper right hand corner to really check out the numbers and information-- unless you can read a hundred words a second.

I know I can't.

The side panel on the left features a variety of buttons. Such as: World Time. Population (totals). Environment (global warming stats). Food (for stats on production, including how many and what kind of animals are being slaughtered on a daily, monthly, yearly basis). US Crimes (wow!). And more.

Being the voracious carnivore that I am, all the info presented in the Food stats made me want to go out in the forest, grab an animal and start devouring it's flesh, right away. Yahoo.

You'll just have to play around and have fun with the World Clock. Of course, all the statistics given are estimates, calculated and provided by various sources. Click the Help button for more on this. To see what sources the information has been collected from, click the Sources button.

Scroll on down and check it out. You may want one for yourself.

Odd Jobs

Whether you like your job or not, you'll most likely agree these are some of the oddest jobs a human could have. A couple of these don't sound half bad. Maybe you've had one of these jobs. If you've had to do anything weirder (for money), let me in on it. I'll add it to the list.

By the way, I've been a Keebler Cookie Inspector in the past. I worked 3rd shift from 10pm to 8am. During that time, I had to watch millions of cookies go down a conveyor belt and quickly remove the ones that didn't have enough chocolate coating on them. It drove me insane!

NOW--ON WITH THE LIST....

Coffin Maker
What they do: Build customized coffins, ranging from simple pine caskets to bejeweled boxes.
Potato Chip Inspector
What they do: Oversee potato chips on an assembly line and check for overcooked or clumped chips to discard.
Wax Figure Maker
What they do: Mold wax to create figures, often, but not limited to, the human form. Figures are often made in the likeness of people who have achieved historical or celebrity recognition.
Foot Model
What they do: Work as a "parts model," modeling their feet for advertisements that feature footwear, lotions and other related-products.
Golf Ball Diver
What they do: Search the depths of golf course bodies of water to find lost golf balls to refinish and resell.
Doll Doctor
What they do: Repair, repaint and reassemble doll parts to doctor-up dolls that have missing, broken or damaged parts.
Egg Inspector
What they do: Examine eggs for cracks and other irregularities before they are graded and stamped for approval.
Knife Thrower's Assistant
What they do: Act as human targets for the knife thrower, which can involve mastering feats such as being tied to a spinning wheel while having knives thrown within inches of their bodies, or having objects cut above their heads.
Foley Artist
What they do: Use random items and whatever else they can find to create and record the noises used to make the sounds effects in films, such as heavy footsteps, rolling thunder or creaking doors.
Solfeggist
What they do: Listen to recorded music and monitor notes in indistinguishable compositions.
Snow Researcher
What they do: Collect and analyze ice crystals in snow to study the effects of pollution on area snowfall.
Wig Maker
What they do: Create and fit hair pieces such as wigs, beards, mustaches and eyebrows for clients requesting hair for costume or personal needs.
Gross Stunt Producer
What they do: Create new ways to gross out contestants on television shows, using insects, animal products and other things considered that could be considered "gross" by society's standards.
Mermaid
What they do: Entertain crowds as an underwater performer.
Whiskey Ambassador
What they do: Drink and explain the proper ways to serve and savor various whiskeys.
Dog Food Tester
What they do: Taste and analyze dog food samples and write reviews on the results.
Bonfire Builder
What they do: Gather discarded wood from trash bins, beaches, construction scrap heaps and similar areas to expertly build bonfires.
Dice Inspector
What they do: Inspect dice used in casinos for lopsided angles, misspotting and other blemishes that could cause error when the dice are rolled for gambling purposes.
Ethnographer
What they do: Research and study single groups of human behavior through fieldwork, observing and questioning participants.
Gum Buster
What they do: Remove gum stuck to sidewalks, street benches and other unwanted areas by de-sticking the gum through a steaming process.

You Fall. I Laugh.

A councilman from Dallas, Texas, by the name of Dwaine Caraway, held a summit Saturday about a topic that has given me a modest source of amusement from time to time. That would be the wearing of saggy pants. Both you and I have seen kids, teens and maybe some adults wear their baggy pants so low, you can see their underwear or "butt cleavage". It doesn't offend me, really. It may disgust me, however, if in the future, I see some exposed underwear that obviously hasn't been changed in the last four days. Poop streaks, anyone?

With nothing more important to talk about, Councilman Caraway held the big meeting to inspire "baggy panters" to pull up their pants when they're in public. More than 100 adults, children, students, ministers, law enforcement officers and representatives from local organizations attended the hours-long summit. A youth counselor, a former pants-drooping youth, brought in several soggy-bottomed teenagers to show as an example and to attempt to convert them to being "correctly dressed" citizens.

Yes folks, it was a real crackdown.

Buh-Dum-Bum.

Personally, I don't care how badly people dress or how many piercings they inflict upon themselves. For me, it's entertainment. When I see a teenager with his or her pants hanging down so far that you believe they're going to end up around their ankles at any moment, I hope to see them trip over their baggy pants and fall on their face to give me a good laugh. Who knows? They might learn something from the cuts and bruises. I doubt it, however.

Damn Kids Ruin Mom and Dad's Fun

That's one of the problems when you have kids. They're always popping their nosy lil' heads around the corner when ya least suspect. In this commercial, you see two lil' twits interfering with a mom and dad's innocent fun. It serves them right if they are scarred for life.

Hooray! Obama Won!

Damn, I'm glad Obama won the US Election last night. It's not so much I hated McCain, mind you. I think he may be a decent human being. I felt sorry for him that he was kept as a POW and tortured during the Vietnam War. Aside from this, I really felt that he would dug us deeper into the wars over in Iraq and Afghanistan to the point where our military would never leave. Plus, I didn't agree with his economic policies, his perspective on how to deal with health care issues and more.

Fortunately, I live in one of the states that voted Democrat (blue). It's good to know I exist amongst those with at least a modicum of intelligence.

Unfortunately, we still have until January to put up with George W. Bush. Hopefully, he can keep out of trouble until then, but I doubt it. Perhaps we can stick him in an adult playpen until January. The "adult playpen" idea sounds kind of like jail. Actually, that's where Bush belongs.

However, let's focus on the positive. We have reason to celebrate and hope. Barack Obama will be our president. He may not be able to solve all the problems in this country but I believe he will actually try. With Obama as president, we'll be heading in the right direction.

I'll step off my soapbox now.

Election Day Is Tomorrow--Please Vote Sensibly

In other words, please vote for anyone other than McCain and Palin. I don't ask for much. Just do me this favor and I will no longer bother you nor charm you with my poetic prose.

Halloween Memories--Come and Share The Love

I went up to my dad's house to help him pass out candy to all the lil' buggers during Halloween a few nights ago. My sister, hubby and kids joined us and participated. My niece pretty much took care of the candy bowl the whole night. At one point, the bowl of candy was empty. My niece became worried that we were out. I told her she should pick her nose and offer her boogers as delectable treats, instead. She frowned at that suggestion.

When I was a kid, I had, at different times of Halloween, dressed up as a robot, a ghost, Batman, a vampire and other things. During drunken Halloween parties, years later, I dressed up as a Jamaican man, a genie, a woman, a priest and I forget what else. I've been neglectful on the upkeep of my brain cells.

My first costume, a ghost, was a bad mistake.

It was my first trick-or-treating experience as a wee lad. I was nervous. I had never gone up to a total stranger's door and ask for candy. Nowadays, I would do it with a song in my heart and a lump in my pants. My sweet Auntie Kay, about four years older than I, grabbed my hand and took me on a walking tour of various neighborhoods. She was in a hurry, too. I could tell by the way she dragged me along the sidewalks at a speed that would make a cheetah envious. I don't think she liked the idea of being saddled down with a kid to look after the whole night. Heh heh. Oh well.

Anyhoo, the goddamn ghost bed sheet caused me to have all manner of fits. For one thing, I couldn't see out of it. The goddamn eye holes weren't big enough and were in the wrong place for me to see. Secondly, the sheet was too long. I must have stumbled, because of it, a gazillion times. And I don't know how many occurrences there were of me tripping and falling on some ass hole's overly steep concrete steps.

Damn those concrete steps! Damn them all!

One of the last times I dressed up for Halloween, I went as a priest to another drunken Halloween party. For added kicks, I had a dildo hanging out, over my nether regions, with my costume. Some were shocked. Others, appalled. It was apparent I made some folks uncomfortable. They would give me those "I'm disgusted" glares. Certain females laughed and pointed. I hid my shame by stroking my apparatus and making flirtatious remarks.

Was that okay?

My friend's overly goody-goody christian sisters were there, scowling at me. My shame caused me to take another swallow of beer and think of the different ways I would have enjoyed putting them over my lap and giving them a good once over.

Ah.... memories.

A Time of Merriment

STICK YOUR BRAIN IN A BOWL OF GOO
WATCH THE ELEPHANTS PLAY HORSESHOES
TASTE THE CRAZY IN THE WALL STREET FRAY
CROSS YOUR FINGERS
AND DANCE IN THE BLAZE

UNCLE SAM
HE WANTS TA SEE
EVERYTHING INSIDE OF YOU AND ME
IF THE MONKEY OBEYS
AND NEGLECTS TO SEE
MONKEY GETS TREAT WHILE GETTING REAMED

IT'S RAINING MISERY IN THE LANDS OF SAND
LIVES ARE SNUFFED FOR A SCHEME SO GRAND
POLITICS PLAYS A TUNE FOR YOU
WHILE WARS RAGE ON
AND CONSUME THE SOUL OF MAN

Favorite Horror Movies

Since it is Halloween Time, I thought I'd share my list of favorite horror movies. Let me know what ya think of any of these and if you know of any good ones, that aren't listed here, let me know.

These are my favorite. Not in any particular order.

The Exorcist (when I saw this as a kid, I kept thinking, for weeks, the devil was hiding under the bed)
Alien (This one nearly gave me a stroke when the toothy snake thingy popped out of his chest)
Psycho
Jaws
The Thing (You never knew who was the monster)
The Abominable Dr. Phibes (One of the funniest horror movies of all time)
HellRaiser (Made me shit and have a stroke, simultaneously)

HellRaiser 2 (The doctor in the movie has a wicked sense of humor. Especially when he gets the big drill poked in through the top of his skull.)
The Grudge (Produced a wee bit o' pee in my pants)
The Ring
The Descent (I like how the demon thingies ate the people)
Final Destination
Friday The 13th
An American Werewolf in London (Ahead of it's time in terms of special effects. It was also very humorous)
The Shining (Gotta love that crazy Jack Nicholson)
Anaconda (I love it when Jon Voight gets swallowed by the big snake and then gets spat out. If you don't know what I mean, see the movie)
Queen Of The Damned (based on two of Anne Rice's "Vampire Chronicles" books)
Young Frankenstein (Funny horror movie with emphasis on "funny")

My favorite weird/horror movies. You would swear they were on acid or, at the very least, drinking heavily while these flicks were being created. When you're watching one of these films, you feel as though you're trippin' out.

Nosferatu
House on Haunted Hill
Event Horizon
In The Mouth Of Madness
Silent Hill
Re-Animator
The Serpent and The Rainbow

My favorite horror/superhero type movies:

Ghost Rider
Spawn
Hellboy
Hellboy 2
Underworld

Many of you will not agree with me on this, but I award these two movies as being the worst I've ever seen.

The Blair Witch Project (It sucked, quite horribly. Very boring. It was obviously produced and directed by amateurs. I get the idea of the movie (College kids lost in the woods, film of their "spooky adventure" gets found but the kids aren't found and so on) but the shaky camera bit was too much. I got sick and sleepy watching this turd of a movie.
Saw (I thought this was the most tedious torture flick I have ever seen)

So there ya have it. If you have any ideas or comments about my lists, scare them up and offer them up to me for sacrifice. Heh heh heh.

Deeply Disturbing Pic

Add your own caption to this.

No Good Ball Playin', Bad Throwin' Youngsters

Edna Jester, an 89 year old woman, who needs her peace and quiet and no balls thrown in her yard was arrested at her home in Blue Ash, Ohio. She was charged with petty theft after one of the children's fathers complained that she took the kids' football and refused to give it back. Police Capt. James Schaffer says there has been an ongoing dispute in the neighborhood over kids' balls landing in the woman's yard.

The poor old woman is due in court next month. Read full story here about Jester. (Good name, considering her ball stealing prank) Heh heh. http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20081020/ap_on_re_us/odd_football_charge

I, for one, think it was okay for the elderly Jester to take their damn ball. I mean, sure, if it just happened that one time (or twice even) I would toss it back over. But not the third time. It's mine then. Kids should be more respectful. And if your dog comes over and takes a poop in my yard, I will shoot it in the ass with my pellet gun. Unfortunately, I don't have a pellet gun. Or a yard, as a matter of fact.

Damn it.

No Good, Loitering, Dribbling Bastards

My dad and I went to a Barnes and Noble bookstore, Sunday. They have a lot of interesting, high quality books. It's a great place to go to kill a "little" time and drink coffee, too. Yeah, they have a coffee shop built inside there, too. They sell sandwiches, cookies, cake, fruit juice and other food items. Barnes and Noble also has many, many chairs and sofas strewn about the place. Plus, the bookstore features spacious bathrooms with plenty of room to take a squirt or a plop. That's a real plus for me.

Have you guessed why all these little extras are not such a great idea for a business intending to sell over-priced high quality books?

Of the people going in there, I'd say say maybe 20% are real customers that walk out of there with a paid book in hand. The rest are loiterers that make Barnes and noble their home for the day. Many times you will go in there and the same old people will be lounging in the sofas or chairs, arms and legs draped over this way and that way. You can tell they've been in there for at least three or four hours. (Or is that 3 or 4 days?) Often, you'll see 'em with their dribblin' paper cups of coffee, dribblin' on the books or carpet or themselves. For them, the bookstore is their second home (or flophouse). They've got food, shelter, drinks, entertainment and a place to shit and piss. In their twisted minds--why go home?

I always wonder how many of Barnes and Noble books get ruined with food, drink and the drool that sometimes drips from one's chin when falling asleep in an overly comfy chair at a bookstore. It's a shame really, because I always thought one should treat a book with respect- especially when it's not yours. You'll never see a bent or spotty page in any of the books that I keep in my bookcases.

People just don't have any respect anymore. I guess that's why I'd like to kill the no good, loitering, dribblin' bastards.

Parasitic Twins

This video clip gives me the creeps. The narrator sounds like Darth Vader. I feel sorry people like this and can't imagine going through life in the conditions portrayed in this clip. At least these days, surgery can be an option for those unfortunate enough to have extra limbs and such.

Ukranian Boxer Uses Baby Pee

Not sure whether to label this guy a kook or what. Ukranian boxer Vitali Klitschko proudly admits he uses his baby son's piss-filled diapers to help keep the swelling of his fists down. The World Heavyweight Champion explained that baby pee is good because it is pure and doesn't smell.

"I wrap nappies filled with my three-year-old son Max's wee around my fists," he said, adding he got the idea from his grandmother. "The nappies hold the liquid and the swelling stays down."

My question is this:

Isn't there something better in the world of sports medicine than baby piss to keep swelling down? Ice or a heat pad comes to mind. I wonder what he uses when he gets cuts on his face during matches. Baby poo?

Oh well. Whatever works for him.

Extreme Muscles Are Extremely Disturbing

When people take body building as far as what these pictures show, I believe they are mistaken in thinking that they look good or even healthy. Muscles on top of muscles on top of more muscles = freakishness.

Don't they realize how distasteful or ugly they appear? It's not sexy or appealing at all. The first word that comes to mind when I see something like this is: Monster.

It's somehow even more disturbing when women push themselves to develop physiques like this. They don't resemble women anymore. Don't get me wrong. I'm not putting women who do the normal "working out" routine down, but hey, don't get ridiculous about it.

Even if I was physically able to, I would never turn myself into an eye-wincing behemoth like these people have done. Not for vanity's sake. Not for trophies. Not for money.

USA Soon To Be Third World Nation

US President Bush got together with the financial leaders (IMF) of the world today. It has been said they met to make "bold moves" in combating the credit/investments/banking crisis that is crippling the US economy and beginning to takes it's toll on the rest of the world's global economy.

Bush more or less said his administration was doing everything it could to stop what could be the next Great Depression.

For more on this: http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20081011/bs_nm/us_financial_imf

The old cliche "too little, too late" comes to mind. He has never shown much concern for the economy.

But to be fair, Dictator Bush has been busy the last eight years. Doing what, you ask? Well, here's the short list. (I might have gotten the order of things out of whack but not the facts.)

* Instead of sending the military to pursue Osama Bin Laden, the man responsible for the plan to destroy the World Trade Center and the Pentagon, he opts to make Saddam Hussein out to be the main villain and, in the end, Hussein is captured and later executed. Not that Saddam didn't deserve death, but hey, I thought Bin Laden was the asshole we were after.

* Bush sends people to Iraq to look for "weapons of mass destruction in Iraq". None are found.

* George W. Bush also defies the UN and decides to finish the war his dad, George H.W. Bush, started in Iraq when he president.


* After manipulating the outcome of votes for a second term, Bush is re-elected to the astonishment of the intelligent portion of the American public- Not to mention the rest of the world.


Note: Since March 2003, close to 4,200 US soldiers have died in Iraq. For more details and stats, go here:

http://www.antiwar.com/casualties/index.php.

Note: You may or may not be surprised to know how many soldiers have committed suicide as a result of repeated deployments to Iraq. You should look that up, too.

Continuing the list....

* Bush forces the Patriot Act down US citizens' throats, using fear tactics and propaganda as reasoning to spy on people in America.

* Bush says it is wrong for nations to torture wartime prisoners for information. Bush says it is okay for the US to torture wartime prisoners for information. What?

* Bush makes "war threats" to several other countries. Namely ones that are trying to make the same kind of weapons we have. We're allowed to do this. No one else, by his reasoning, is allowed.

On and on, the insanity continues.

I'm sure you could add more to this list but why bother. You get the picture. Hopefully.

And meanwhile, the US deepens it's trillion dollar debt, Wall Street starts crashing, people lose their homes and jobs and then the US becomes a 3rd World Nation.

The First Hooters Girl

On October 4th, 1983, the very first Hooters restaurant opened in Clearwater, Florida, USA.

Today, there are over 400 Hooters locations in the US, Switzerland, Mexico, Germany and many other countries.

In every restaurant you will discover delicious chicken wings, tasty sandwiches and lovely waitresses known as Hooters Girls. Usually, you will find the "Girls" dressed in belly shirts and tight shorts, accentuating their lithe, feminine physiques.

Female sex appeal is an important feature in every Hooters restaurant.

To help celebrate Hooters' 25th anniversary this year, the franchise called upon Janey Dubbelook, the very first waitress hired by Hooters in 1983. This charming Hooters Girl is still working in the first Florida establishment and still getting big tips from all her appreciative customers.

When recently interviewed, Janey confided, "I don't mind being checked out and asked for my phone number dozens of times every night but I really wish the guys coming in here would stop pinching my ass. Other than that, it's been a real privilege to work at Hooters all these years."

Janey will start the 25th anniversary ceremony off in Florida this weekend by popping out of a cake, in the nude, covered with nothing but Hooters special trademark chicken wing sauce. BE THERE OR BE SQUARE.

Today Is My Birthday

45, I am.
Old.
Crazy.
Body is fucked up.

What?
Oh, yeah.
At least I got the love of a good woman.

How Do You Feel About Your Vote Being Uncounted?

If you plan on voting in the upcoming U.S. 2008 elections, you may want to be informed of the possiblity that your vote may not count. It has been shown that electronic voting machines are incredibly easy to manipulate.

After watching the movie, "Uncounted", I've decided that I will not be voting on one of these machines. Instead, I will be voting using the "paper method", if it is provided. I urge you to either rent this movie or see it on cable. It will change the way you think about the subject.

The following clips are from the movie, "Uncounted".





The 2nd clip concerns Clint Curtis, a computer programmer who was asked to develope software for electronic voting machines to change the election outcomes in the year 2000.




For more information on electronic voting, click this link.
http://www.blackboxvoting.org/

My Mind's Journey

Written years ago, this poem is based on an experience I had when I was 21. During that time, my wisdom teeth were causing me a butt load of pain.

In order to pull out all four of my wisdom teeth, a dentist had to dislocate my jaw. I was gassed and put out for the operation.

While I was out, I had the most wonderful dream I've ever had in my life. I still recall most of it. The music of Led Zeppelin was playing all around me in the dream as I bounced up and down on my magic carpet. I remember being disappointed when I came out of it, realizing I was back in this world again.

MY MIND'S JOURNEY

TAKEN TO A PLACE I HAVE NEVER FORGOTTEN

WHISPERS, LAUGHTER AND SECRET BEINGS AROUND ME

CLOUDS UNFOLDING

EMBRACE ME

WELCOME WITH WARMTH

AND GIVE SECURITY

FROM THERE I RODE INTO A WORLD OF MAGNIFICENT LIGHTS

UP AND DOWN

ALL AROUND I GO

FREE OF WORRY

FREE OF SIN

FREE TO WONDER

THE RIVER WITH NO WATER

TOOK ME WHERE IT FLOWED

IF YOU THINK ME A CRAZY MAN

I'LL BE MORE THAN HAPPY TO TO TELL YOU

THAT WORLD I LEFT WAS THE HAPPIEST WORLD I KNOW

MUSIC TRAVELED THROUGH ME

AS I MOVED THROUGH THE MAGIC RIDE

WHILE THE MULTI-COLORED SPINNING WAVES

TOOK ME FOR A SLIDE

AND IF YOU CALL ME DELIRIOUS

I'LL FONDLY RECALL MY MIND'S JOURNEY

AND LAUGH UNTIL I SIGH

Promises From China

If they're not manufacturing kids' toys with lead paint or contaminating pet food, toothpaste and milk with toxins, the folks in China just can't seem to get their heads out of their asses. Does anyone ever inspect anything over there before it gets shipped out to the public?

Today, China's Premier Wen Jiabo promised to improve Chinese food safety. While at the World Economic Forum, Wen said, "We plan not only to revitalize the food industry and the milk powder industry, we will try to ensure that all China-made products are safe for consumers and consumers can buy with assurance."

So far, over 50,000 children have been made ill by the milk they are distributing. Melamine, used to make plastics and fertilizer, has been found in the milk powder and was linked to kidney stones in children. Melamine, if you recall, was found in the pet food they distributed last year, resulting in hundreds of animal deaths. It was found out that adding melamine was a normal practice for them. It was added to fake higher protein levels. As a matter of fact, they've added melamine to quite a few products meant for consumption.

Melamine was used to make these plastic cups, plates and bowls.

"When this kind of problem of food safety occurs, we do not cover it up," Premier Jiabo said. "We face it candidly and have taken bold moves to address it. I think this has laid a good foundation for resolving problems."

Oh yeah? I don't think so. Your country has been quite good at covering that issue up and more. You can go on the internet and find many eye opening examples.

Can you imagine if this happened in the US? The class action suits that would already be filed?

You would think that modern day China could afford better testing equipment. They can afford to spend over 41 billion on big Olympic stadiums, big Olympic celebration whoopity doo's and so on. Why not fork over some money on equipment that will ultimately save lives? And why you're at it, adopt stricter measures and techniques when it comes to food inspection. Such as: Not putting melamine in all the food you produce. It's not meant for food, you fucking morons.

And give your people Human Rights, too.

Stop disgracing yourselves in front of the rest of the world.

An Officer Who Gives Until It Squirts

May the following film inspire you and fill your heart with joy and gladness.

Ice Cream Made With Human Booby Milk

PETA is asking Ben & Jerry's Homemade Ice Cream if it would start using human titty milk to make it's yummy frozen confections. No kidding. PETA says it would reduce the suffering of cows and produce a healthier treat for consumers. They wrote a letter to Ben & Jerry's that stated "cow's milk is hazardous and milking them is cruel."


I say that milking a human female till she produces enough milk to make a couple pints of ice cream may be cruel, too. From what I understand, those titty pumps kinda hurt. Where are they going to go to get that much booby milk? It's hard to picture an assembly line of women with pumps attached to them, getting enough of that stuff out of their breasts to produce that much ice cream. And who would volunteer for that job?

It takes about 12 pounds — or 1 1/2 gallons of milk — to make a gallon of ice cream. Ben & Jerry's, which gets its milk exclusively from Vermont cows, won't say how much milk it uses or how much ice cream it sells.




Besides all of this, I would be more concerned about the particular people they would be getting this milk from. I mean, are they healthy? More importantly, are they good looking?



The folks at Ben & Jerry's aren't going for the idea, of course. To them, the idea is udderly insane.



Ben & Jerry Spokesman Sean Greenwood, in an email, wrote:



We applaud PETA's novel approach to bringing attention to an issue, but we believe a mother's milk is best used for her child.



If Ben & Jerry's Homemade Ice Cream change their minds in the future, I would be ecstatic if they would consider a few possible flavors (including titles) I have come up with.



Consider....



"Mocha Mammary Delight" (for some reason I'm picturing Halle Barry on the front of the carton)



"Nice N' Nutty Nipples"



Or



"Boobilicious Berries and Cream"