Plans For New Year's Eve Party (but not at my place)

I'm not sure which plan I'm going to go with. Maybe you can help me decide.

Plan A

Personally, I think a party featuring midgets fucking tiny poodles while everyone enjoys a delightful concoction of doobage, drink and magic mushrooms has all the makings for a rip-dandy fiesta. I'd watch that for a dollar. Then I would further the evening's merriment by dousing them all with gasoline, setting them all on fire and shooting each guest in the nuts or hoo hoo as they try to flee the premises. It's important to impress your guests with charm and grace, after all.

Plan B

I'd give even 2 whole dollars to watch a room full of retards (or ultra conservatives- either group being interchangeable) have their drinks laced with something that would cause them to lunge upon each other, gouge out each other's eyes with corkscrews while singing ""Auld Lang Syne". Of course, I will perform the videotaping and set them all on fire before I leave the premises. What a way to bring in the new year!

But what to do... what to do.

Movies I'm Looking Forward To

I'm all psyched up to catch the following movies, in no particular order:



Sherlock Holmes stars Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law (in theaters now)



The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus Heath Ledger's last movie made. Terry Gilliam directs. (in theaters now-limited)



The Book of Eli Denzel Washington, Gary Oldman, Mila Kunis (comes out January 15th, 2010)



The Wolfman Benicio Del Toro, Anthony Hopkins, Emily Blunt (February 12, 2010)



Alice In Wonderland stars Johnny Depp, directed by Tim Burton. Should be freaking cool. (It comes out March 5th 2010)



Iron Man 2 stars Robert Downey Jr. and Gwyneth Paltrow (May 7 2010)



And then there's this under-hyped (so far) movie called Wonderful World that stars Matthew Broderick is scheduled to come out January 8th, 2010. I've read the basic summary of this movie and watched the clips on Yahoo and it looks appealing to me on many different levels. You can read about it, yourself, of course, by clicking the link. I especially loved the "Depraved Indifference" clip featured on the page. There's so much truth packed in that two minute, fifty second clip that's worth checking out.

DVD Movie Review of Untraceable

It's hard to believe I picked this DVD up for a mere four bucks at a local store, recently. A movie for that price that has Diane Lane in it? That's crazy. The movie is not much more than a year or so old and it's pretty damn good. I wanted to see this film when it was originally playing in theaters but didn't get the chance.

Untraceable stars Diane Lane as Special Agent Jennifer Marsh and Colin Hanks as Agent Griffin Dowd. Both FBI agents are on the case of a fucking freak that gets his kicks by displaying graphic murders on his website. The name of his website is aptly named Kill With Me. This loon is very tech-savvy, unfortunately, which keeps the FBI jumping from one location to the other, in an attempt to catch this guy. The fate of each of his tormented victims is left in the hands of the public.

That last bit of info, alone, should make any NORMAL person cringe.

Moving onward: The more hits the asshole's site gets, the faster his captives die. Not that they die that quickly, really. Meanwhile, the media, knowing this fact, has zero qualms in telling the public all the details about this freak's website and his "torture show". Of course, the hits on his website go through the roof. Soon, it gets personal when Jennifer's partner is kidnapped by the seriously disturbed maniac and becomes part of his "show".

I won't go into any more details than that. I think I've already given away enough.

There are a lot of elements that make this a great movie- at least for me. For one, it's intense. A true thriller. You really keep hoping that they nab (preferably kill) this fucker before he puts on another one of his insidious shows. The acting is great. The pace is swift.

Note: The statement this movie makes about the media and the general public is very important and should not be dismissed. The truth in it's message about human behaviour is undeniable.

The scenes of cruelty don't last that long, so don't be discouraged from watching Untraceable because of that element. The torture scenes are there to make a point, unlike the Saw movies where the scenes in those movies show prolonged scenes of torture for the delight of the depraved viewer.

My advice is to definitely rent or buy Untraceable. You won't be disappointed.

Ninja Assasin--Movie Review

Like Avatar, I'm sure you already saw the previews and trailers for Ninja Assassin. Even as we speak, Ninja Assassin is on it's way out of the big multiplex cinemas, being pushed out by the big budget movies. I'm sure there are still a few showing it and I hope more people give it a chance and go see it. Of course, almost every overpaid, narrow minded movie critic gave it a bad review and that didn't help the flick stick around longer, I'm sure. More than half of the time, I ignore those uptight jerks have to say and go see the movie, anyway, if it appeals to me.




Here's the basic story:

Raizo is one of the deadliest assassins in the world. Taken from the streets as a child, he was transformed into a trained killer by the Ozunu Clan, a secret society whose very existence is considered a myth. But haunted by the merciless execution of his friend by the Clan, Raizo breaks free from them...and vanishes. Now he waits, preparing to exact his revenge.

Nearly all of the "professional" movie critics said the acting was terrible- which it wasn't. The movie isn't going to garner any Academy Awards for that department but the acting was okay. The main character, Raizo, keeps the movie going strong with the torment and anger exuding from him, with the skills and pain he displays in every frame of the film. I felt pity for him for what he had to go through all his life. You'll see what I mean if you dare to check the film out (obvious sarcasm).

Be prepared for a lot of bloodletting and dead body counts in Ninja Assassin. But don't be discouraged from seeing it because of those details. It's not as gruesome as the Saw movies, all of which I consider just "torture flicks" with truly shitty acting.

Ninja Assassin is a super stylish, well orchestrated revenge film with action galore. Check it out, if you can, before it hits the rental stores. Seeing it on the big screen does the movie better justice and will be more satisfying.

Avatar- Movie Review

The next 3 posts will be movie reviews. I'll also include movies that I'm looking forward to and their upcoming opening theatre dates.


I just came back from seeing Avatar two hours ago. I'll start with that one first.


Avatar, directed by James Cameron, stars Sigourney Weaver and a couple of other well known actors. It's a sci-fi movie with that's filled with a lot of heart, action and breakthrough special effects. It's a lengthy movie (160 minutes) but you won't mind it and it certainly doesn't feel that long.



It's story is set in the year 2154. Earth's corporations are aggressively mining the planet, Pandora, where it's inhabitants, the Na'vi, live in peace and have a natural connection with the energy and spirit of their world and it's many spectacular lifeforms. The Na'vi have blue skin and cat-like features and they will likely remind you of Indians because of the way they revere nature and all of it's lifeforms. They are also fierce warriors, like the Indians of the old west.




Earth's greedy corporate head honchos and ruthless military respect nothing and they do everything from tricking the Na'vi to destroying their world and their lives in order to get the mineral they seek. Several times it is mentioned that Earth is used up, nearly dead planet- so naturally they find another planet to exploit and destroy.




The symbolism is unmistakable. The story is much like our American heritage of the old west when the military nearly wiped out the Indians. Notice that I don't say American Indians! To give them that title , I feel, shows disrespect to Indians of the past and present. America was their land long before the Europeans came along, spreading disease, death and deceit before claiming Indian land as their own.




But back to the movie. I could rant on all night on that subject.



The hero, Jake Sully, is a wheelchair bound marine from Earth. He grows to respect the Na'vi and ultimately fights for them during the second half of the movie. His avatar counterpart is strong and whole. I can't explain, with any degree of technological clarity, how the Earth scientists are able to place the minds of the Earth soldiers and scientists into their Na'vi avatar counterparts- but they do. And it's totally believable.




I loved Avatar. The story is great and has real meaning that you can connect with. The pace is swift but doesn't feel rushed at all. The acting and all round performances by everyone are well above par with any movie I've seen all year. And I've seen quite a few. The special effects are cool and extremely detailed. Best of all, the ending is fully satisfactory. You won't leave the theatre feeling like you've been cheated or beat down with any heavy-heartedness. It's not just an adventuresome, special effects filled flick. It's an event that has to be seen on the big screen.



I was blown away by Avatar and I can't wait to own the movie when it comes out on dvd.

Pregnant Midget--Caption This

Now how in the hell does that come out of her?

A Slightly New Direction With PC

About the 3 part series of posts: It was something I had to get out of my system- something to get out of the way before I start raising some real hell around here.

Before, the website was, for the most part, less personal, always kind of covering up what crap I was going through at the time. But since my outlook has changed and I truly don't give a shit anymore (in a good way-for me), I'm not going to write for the entertainment of the readers, but for myself. Self therapy, if you will. Sure, there will be the funny/serious observations, pics, videos and so forth but from now on- I'm really going to get real and more brutal with the honesty- with everything and everyone, as a matter of fact. A lot of fuckers won't like what I have to say and I think you know how much I care about that.

Also, I don't care about winning any sort of popular blog contest.  I notice many bloggers these days are whoring themselves out to the extreme in the social networking fray.  Joining this, twittering that.  Ha ha.  And hey,  I might do the twitter thing now and then or whatever other new and ridiculous bullshit is out there, but frankly, I don't need the attention or numbers for blog visits to give me a boner.  I'm not that insecure.  Personally, I think it's sad what lengths some folks will go to for fame or money, for that matter.  The excuses used for it all are lamer yet.

Like I said, I'm doing the blog entirely for me now.  If ya like what I got- that's fine.  If not-that's fine, too.

That's it for this post.  Take care.

Sorry If I've Caused Concern -Part 3

As mentioned before, I felt guilty for not being able to get up to mom and dad's place in time. I felt I let mom die.

This and missing Mom for her unconditional love and advice started my depression. Sure, I was told by friends, co-workers and family that it wasn't my fault. But there were a few who gave no response. Which I didn't know how to take. Most of the time, I felt they were judging me. Either that or I thought they were androids from some unknown galaxy. Anyway, I felt responsible no matter how much logic was thrown at me.

So while my depression was literally killing me in health and spirit, my time on my last few jobs was pure hell for one and all. On more than a few occasions, in the middle of putting together a brake part, I would either cry or have a fit with myself. I would even talk and answer myself. What fun! It's always so nice when you have a bunch of people you know (and semi-respect) give you that look of dismay and extreme confusion. In the old days, when friends would give me that look, I would treasure it like a badge of honor. But a little over two years ago, those days had been long gone. This is what I found out.... in hard and unusual ways. I was not fit to work anywhere.

And my next two jobs, after that brake assembly job, made that judgement call all the more true.

I would throw things, yell at people, break stuff and create some type of verbal chaos now and then that would result in being reprimanded in some way. Never before had I acted so irrationally on the job. Now.... I would have a confrontation with a person or two, in the past, if I thought they were doing something wrong, but this shit was something different.

I remember pushing over twenty, ten foot high stacks of plastic crates over a catwalk type area and causing most everyone in the warehouse to shit their pants, at once. No one died, if that's what you're wondering. Twenty plus years of working hard in the retail business and warehouses and now I was having a fucking meltdown. Sing ta BuhJesus and halley-yoooo-ya!

Now here's another element to the story you should know: I have two and a half inch heel spurs in both of my goddamn feet. They have been causing me tremendous pain for most of my life. And yes, I have used every kind of cushion, foam or whatever footware contraption to help with the pain. The podiatrist I have been seeing, off and on since my early twenties, said they were the biggest he had ever seen. He still says that. I saw the x-rays. They look and feel like curved railroad spikes. The podiatrist has said both verbally and in health records that they cannot be removed due to the fact the spurs have grown so large, they have connected completely to the bones in my feet.

Little medical lesson:

Spurs are formed at the at heel by way of calcium deposits travelling down your leg. Your brain is responsible for sending a message to your feet (by way of sending these little bits of bony crap) as an attempt to somehow "protect" your damaged heel area. Unfortunately, your brain fails miserably in this scenario.

Note: I also have neuropathy of the feet. Look it up if you're curious. I'm also 80% deaf in one year and have astigmatism in both eyes. And don't forget the high blood pressure. Eight pills, two insulin shots and still counting. Have I mentioned the depression?

I'm 46, in case you're wondering.

Life is grand. Sarcasm. Yes, I know I could have it much worse but when you put everything altogether, it does make an impressive list.

But I'm not done yet.

I also have a condition called "equinus foot". Click the link if you're interested in knowing more about that. The short version is... It's a deformity of the feet. Because of my "equinus foot" condition, my heel spurs formed. When I walked or stood, I was growing spurs and suffering from them as they developed over the years. I was told long ago by my podiatrist that if he were to operate and remove my heel spurs, they would eventually grow back in a couple of years. This is why I didn't have the procedure done. Too costly and ineffective.

While my working years ached onward, my condition worsened. I was often asked by people I knew, co-workers and people I didn't know, why I wasn't trying to get social security disability. I had told them I wasn't going to try that because (1) I didn't think I would get it. And (2) I had too much pride to accept it. In my mind, you were a lazy, cheating piece of shit if you got it and you were still able to move.

But now I understand the truth.

Cutting to the chase of the story, I had become convinced that I should try to get social security benefits. It took 3 attempts, a judge on a monitor from an out-of-state web cam, an asshole for a lawyer and lots of legwork (from me) but I finally won the case after a year and eight months.

As for my physical health, I am exorcising on a Nu-Step bike/rowboat thing at the Community Center. I do 35 minutes of that, putting in close to two miles. They have an excellent compilation of exercise equipment. I also take walks, stopping occasionally, behind my apartment at a city park.

I am fighting.

I don't feel as guilty about things I've done in the past, either. In fact, I feel very non-guilty about anything I do or say anymore. I never felt like that in the past. This feeling may be a very bad thing for everyone involved. We'll see. Or, I'll see. See. Told you I was crazy.

The best piece of wisdom I had ever gotten from a psychiatrist was just recently:

To fight.

Don't wonder or care how you're going to get through it. Just fight. He told me he could tell I was a fighter by three different signs. The first was: I was there, in the room, talking to him, seeking help. Two, he had me perform a test that seemed incredibly simple the first few seconds. My psychiatrist gave me five pieces of folded cardboard. Then he told me to rip them in half. It was a thick and bulky block but I thought it was going to be easy. I must have tried ripping the shit apart for five or more minutes. I was gritting my teeth. Cursing. And so on.

Then I asked him if I could unfold each piece and rip each individual piece of cardboard apart. He said, "And that's the other reason you are a fighter. You would do anything to accomplish anything you wanted. You tried brute force. That didn't work. You went at your objective at every angle. No luck. You even tried to cheat, in a manner, to reach your goal. Your passion, no matter how deep you bury it, is still there. You do not stop."

And then I knew what he meant. It hit me. Lightning bolt. Boom.

It really isn't the end result you should concentrate on. It isn't the horrible hurdles you have to go through. It's the fighting to get up in the morning and live is what matters.

There was a third sign but it had to do with a personal story of his own. Unfortunately, I could hardly understand it due to his thick foreign accent but he already had me at the second sign. Heh heh.

And now I've changed again in my life, still with some bad thoughts, but not like before. I'm still negative about this world's populace and I'm still crazy, maybe even more so, but now my depression has lessened and I'm working on getting healthier. So there you go.

oh goody, another example of pure fail

Sorry If I've Caused Concern- Part 2

Like I was telling my old blog pal, Static, not long ago.....

Major depression and out-of-control diabetes is a real ass kicker. When you have extremely high blood sugar, an unfunny thing happens to occur. Your thinking becomes fucked. I couldn't concentrate on reading a post, let alone writing one up. Not that I didn't want to. I was angry and further depressed that part of my life was gone. At least the pressure around the temples of my head is easing up. I seriously thought I was going to have an aneurysm.

Listen.... I can hear a laugh track. Although it's inside my noggin.

Why did I let my diabetes derail my health?

Ah, that's where the Major Depression comes in.

You see, when you have that kind of downward spiralling, hopeless, helpless thing eating your spirit, the thought of merely getting out of bed in the morning or afternoon seems futile and absurd. I would stare at a ceiling, wall or at nothing at all for hours.

Then....

When a bad thought came into my head, I would scream, making the bad thought momentarily go away. The thought was usually one of guilt of something said/not said or something I did to someone else that I thought was wrong. It could have been, in reality, something trivial.

I'm sure the neighbors in the apartment below were wondering what the fuck was going on up here. They knew my wife had already gone to work. And I'm sure they knew there wasn't a 24 hour cable channel with a show featuring a screaming loon during those many months, as well.

So yeah, I did get some strange looks from the neighbors whenever I took out the trash or went to the truck.

My personal hell began when my mother passed away August 5th, 2005.

That day, my dad, who suffers from dementia, deafness and a whole host of other medical problems, came home after running errands around town. He pulled the car in the garage, closed the garage door, but accidentally left the car running. He forgets to turn off the ignition and he can't hear the car running. Dad then proceeds upstairs, sets some groceries on the counter, tells mom that he's home and then goes to bed for a nap.

Not long after that, my mom (who could hardly walk and got around the house with a mobile unit, scooter or whatever you call them) thought she ran over her cat with her "mobey". She loved cats, as do I. Pushing on- Mom gets down from the seat, onto on the kitchen floor, upset that she hurt her cat. Meanwhile, the exhaust fumes, coming up from the basement garage, are coming out of the central air vents and into the kitchen. Mom (or dad- the part of the story I can't seem to get right) calls my sister to ask her to come and look at the cat. My sister says she will after she does a couple things, not knowing mom and dad are being poisoned with carbon dioxide.

By the time my sister arrives, she walks into the kitchen, sees mom slumped on the floor, eyes rolled to the back of her head, with vomit coming out of her mouth. Her face is purple with yellow spots dotting her complexion. My sister immediately tries to get her out of the house, perform CPR and a number of things. Bear in mind, my mother was very heavy. But as she's doing all of this, she's inhaling the unscented, invisible poison, too.

During this time, my sister calls me up. I was a strong guy back then. I think I could have lifted her up and out of the house, considering the situation. But my sister has told me that mom was pretty much gone by then.

Moving on- My sister leaves a panicked, out-of-breath message on my answering machine.

Where was I during the call?

I was in the computer room, with the door closed (my youngest cat had been taking a fancy to chewing on my electric cords) and I was drinking a lot with a friend I hadn't seen for a long time. Normally, I would have the portable phone with me. Not that time. It was in the living room. Also, I was playing PC games and music so loud, I couldn't hear anything outside the door.

By the time we came out, I had heard the terrible message too late. I blamed myself for not getting up there in time. More importantly, I almost lost my entire family that night.

There are more details, such as the news media circus surrounding the house that night (the event was on the news for awhile) and the excruciating sight of the way my mom looked on the hospital bed but I won't go into those details. It's no small miracle that I'm able to tell what I'm telling now.

After the shock of her death, the guilt, deep grief and anger towards myself, God and the world took over me. My health went to absolute shit. I did not care if I died, and really, I was wanting it to happen in the hopes of being with my mom again.

To those of you who have ever lost someone you love that much, die and not exist in your life anymore, you can empathize, hopefully.

---I'm going to continue this post tomorrow. It's 2:30 in the morning. When I do continue this, I will have something positive to share.

Freaky Mall Santas

Sorry If I've Caused Concern

By now, my old regular readers of this blog have thought me either dead, gone completely loony toons or disinterested in posting or running Psycho Carnival. Or maybe no one gave a shit.

Yeah, I know. The last post I made was in May of this year. Long time.

Too long.

I got sucked into such a downward spiral, I didn't want to check on my site or my emails or any correspondence pertaining to this site. I was depleted, emotionally.

A lot has happened to me. Both in body and spirit. For one thing, my blood glucose levels with my diabetes has soared to incredibly dangerous stratospheres.

I never posted about my mother passing away, in 2005, on this site because it was too personal and too painful. Besides, I always wanted to keep things kinda light- except when I would get on my soapbox and do one of my diatribes on society, greed or whatever. Anyway, after mom passed, things changed for the worse for me and the rest of my family. I slipped into an seemingly endless and helpless existence called major depression. I couldn't work at a job without expressing my anger in some disastrous way. My mood swings were horrible.

I would have yelling fits at myself for things I had said or done in the past. Some of these things were or are perhaps exaggerated in my mind. And sometimes, I would destroy walls or doors, in the process, with my fists. That kinda hurt. When I was doing that routine, I would have suicidal thoughts with a very calm demeanor, stagnant in my state of apathy with guilt and pain consuming me.

But I'm fighting to keep alive and to care. I can't be any good to myself or my dad, who is 68 and suffers from dementia, without fighting to get up in the morning. Plus, I'm doing more things now. Maybe, in a couple more years, I'll be close to human again. Heh heh.

That old cliche "Not out of the woods yet" applies to me quite fittingly. I still return to that kind of mind hell at least once a day. Hey, that's an improvement for me! In recent years, I felt all those negative thoughts 90% of the time.

I'll be writing more about that later. Oh boy! More cheeriness to come. Promise.

But one thing I do want to add before I go to bed.... I want to come back and post on Psycho Carnival again and regularly.

Zippity doo dah.

Oh, and I plan on checkin' out the emails that I've been avoiding, on my yahoo account, since May.