Antics From A Demented Mind

I'm on the subject of animals again. Looking at that last post I did, I thought of another story that may make you either laugh, cringe or do both.


About six months ago, my wife, Aunt Kay and I went to an all-you-can-gorge-on till ya vomit buffet. It was in a Chinese restaurant. I love Chinese food. I'll have three or four plates and take a couple of shits between plates.


Oh, did I share too much? Well, please pardone....


Anyway, it's around my birthday. Kay gives me a big shiny gift bag after we're done filling our bellies. To my surprise, I pull out a stuffed dog. A 12 inch Chihuahua. His face is in a fixed pose where his eyes are bulging and he's gritting his teeth. Kind of like he's havin' a stroke. His tag reads that his name is Humphrey The Dog.

I'm shocked.... or something. Kay says, "Pinch his ear!"







I pinch his ear.







Humphrey begins to move. Strangely, the dog begins to mount the air. Humphrey is humping the atmosphere as if there's no Saturday. He makes doggy moans, groans and cries of orgasm. I don't know if I should feel titillated with the utmost glee or.... what. And he even comes with a handy velcro strap to hold him securely against your leg. You know, in case you need that perfect addition to your dress or suit to go to a wedding, funeral.... or something.


Of course, I strapped Humphrey on that Saturday night in a crowded Chinese restaurant. What else could I do. While people ate beside us, I would play Humphrey every once in awhile for entertainment purposes. I felt it was my duty. The petite, oh-so-cute female Chinese waitresses turned away from my vulgar American existence. They were wishing me away. To be truthful, I did wonder momentarily if I was going to get thrown out. But, being me, I did not care. Most of the time, the "normals" sent weird looks my way. But, eh, I'm kinda used to that.


When it was time to leave, thus ending our enchanted evening, my aunt twisted my arm and made me strap Humphrey to my leg. My wife poked my left nipple with a fork.

Just kidding.

But I'm not kidding about putting on the dog. To continue:



I strap the adorable, affectionate dog to my leg, flick the switch that turns him on and through the packed aisles of tables, I walk towards the door with a shaking, multi-orgasmic stuffed dog attached to myself. A few customers actually smiled and laughed. Which is a "truly normal" response. Some showed shock. Others continued filling themselves on their fourth or fifth plates.



Kay later said that she heard someone mutter, "Well.... that was weird."



For me, I had a good time testing people's reactions. It's funny how most people lack a sense of humor. A few do have one. It's those few I can relate to.



If you want to check out Humphrey for yourself, click on the link below.


http://www.baronbob.com/boner-dog.htm

Funky Animal Genitals

My sister, Krista, has a fair variety of animals on her property nowadays. She's got chickens, a rooster, a hen, a potbellied pig, a cat, a rabbit and a bunch of ducks. Oh, and loads of ticks during the summer months. My friends, family and I have nicknamed her place "The Tick Ranch" because of all the little buggers that hang out there. It seems no matter how hard you look, you're bound to find at least one of the little bastards hiding on some part of your body when you return home from there. One evening, in fact, I had just come home from doing some fishing at "The Tick Ranch" and I was lucky enough to find a tick crawling dangerously near my scrotum. Evil Lyme Disease Carrying Bastard! I quickly snatched it up with a tissue before it could do any major blood-sucking damage to my cherished, sacred meatsack. I then rushed to burn his creepy ass alive in the ashtray. That showed him.

While we are on the subject of animals and genitals, let me share with you a wonderful story that my sister related to me not long ago. Last week, while my sister went out to check out her animal farm, she was treated to a show performed by two of her ducks. The male duck was on top of the female duck doing what was suppposed to be a natural act. According to sis, it was anything but natural. It turns out the genitals of ducks are hideously deformed and just not right. My sister, horrified, could not look away. It appeared as if the guts were coming out of the male duck's lower half. The female duck's junk was equally grotesque. Disturbed, yet intrigued all the same, she later seeked out a picture of duck genitals on the internet and sent me a few pics so that I could see the nightmarish imagery myself. I sent her a note of thanks after seeing the pics and promptly upchucking my last meal.

Not only am I going to share with you the duck pics and their ungodly private parts but I'm also going to show you more than you wanted to see with more funky animal genitals from the animal kingdom. Hooray you say? You bet!

Note: The female duck's genitals are on the left. The male's weirdo junk is on the right. Below that is a male duck, in flight, with his gangly weinersnitzle hanging down and out.

The following pictures are of a donkey weenie, snake's double headed penis, an elephant's tallywhacker and a Killer Whale's 8 foot long penis. Aren't you jealous, guys? Imagine. Eight feet long. Wow. I mean.... where would you put a thing like that? Geez!

Freako

Admittedly, I'm finding it harder to give a shit about the things most people give so much a shit about as I grow goddam older. Maybe its the ongoing, increasing apathy I see amongst the rest of society these days. Perhaps it is the drain of working at jobs that suck the goo out of my dark soul. Or maybe, just maybe, it is the worry over some politician (Eliot Spitzer) I don't even know and his scandal with a whore who I could not give a shit less about and the media frenzy surrounding this most unfascinating event in America. Don't know. Don't give a shit. Oh, am I repeating myself?



Of course....



I care a lot.

I've been performing a number of community services the last twenty something years of my life. After traveling the world, it has created a momentum that has given me a real dose of hope and rise in my pants. More than three inches worth. It is my dedication to a cause near and dear to my black heart. It is called "Chances Are- You More Than Likely Suck" It goes something like this....

After bounding into a crowded room full of hairless monkeys like you and yours truly, I gleefully ask the question, "So here, right now, in this goddam room, whoever sucks, would you please raise your goddam hand?" I wait momentarily, just to see if anyone might have prosthetic hooks instead of hands. I don't want to miss a goddam opportunity to make fun of some asshole's goddam unfortunate physical impairment, after all. When all is quiet and I get those worthwhile menacing expressions from all your faces, I chuckle, fart and reply, "Gosh, you were pretty goddam quick to raise your hand."

And then the mob goes back to being all talky and useless amongst themselves, yakkity yakkin' about the latest sports team scores and/or big money jabberoo or how ya got a itchy rash on your thigh.

And then I, of course....

care a lot.

SnowCrap 2

Mmmm. Yes. It has been a long time since I last posted. Too much has been happening. New job- of which I've been working eleven hour days. No sleep. Constant pain from my backbreaking job. Bad weather. A serious lack of time to do anything that allows for enjoyment or relief. But hey, am I complaining? Hell yes. If I don't get the poison out of my mind, I get a lil' wacky and then Mr. Wacky goes, "Weee weee weee" all the way to the Rubber Room Home.

I'm not sure how it's been around your neck of the woods but where I live, we just had over a foot of snow and ice dumped on us the last couple of days. Temperatures never went up above 27 degrees. There was a level 3 snow emergency in our county because of the road conditions. This means you could be ticketed for being out on the road, adding to the mayhem of skidding cars and stranded motorists. According to law enforcement, if you are stopped and questioned about being out and it's not an absolute emergency, you could be fined or arrested. Of course, this meant nothing to a few idiots.

My wife and I watched the news and saw lots of footage of people slip sliding away on the highway. One reporter asked a couple who were attempting to go up an inclined street where they were going. They replied they were going "stir crazy" and were on the way to get some burgers and fries.

Sounds like a good enough reason to risk your life and add to the chaos. I'm sure the cops and the people driving the plow trucks appreciated it.

Wal-Mart, sensitive, caring company they are (obvious sarcasm) were asking, no, begging their slave labor (my wife included) to come in and work during SnowMeggedon. Most of the businesses in the area were closed in the area. Imagine that. The Wal- Mart managers told their employees that if it got so bad that they couldn't possibly leave- they were allowed to work all day or all night long until they could leave.

Gee, that would appeal to me. Where do I sign up?

My wife didn't saying anything to the manager on the phone for a few seconds when she got the call. She was too stunned. When the manager's insulting proposition sunk in, she told them she wasn't going to risk her life. The manager feigned surprise toward her response.

Well, that's all for now. Maybe I'll be able to post again sometime within this century. I would cross my fingers but it hurts too much.