Dangling Objects

This following story was forwarded to me by my dear old Aunty Kay. I have no idea if it's true or not but I found it to be funny.

We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable.. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.

Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

'Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it.'

'You know where the button is,' I protested through the shower pitter-pa tter and steam. 'Reset it yourself!'

'But I'm scared!' she persisted. 'What if it starts going and sucks me in?'

There was a meaningful pause and then, 'C'mon, it'll only take you a second.'

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely cowardly.

Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth.. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a 'fight or flight' syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the 'flight' option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.
The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.

Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of 'been-there, done-that' paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.

'What's the matter?' They all asked, 'Cat got your tongue?'

Homeless Man Dies As People Look And Walk By

Rather than repeat what I read a couple days ago, I figured I'd rip the story right from the source. Don't tell. :)

This actually happened several days ago.

From The New York Post:

A heroic homeless man, stabbed after saving a Queens woman from a knife-wielding attacker, lay dying in a pool of blood for more than an hour as nearly 25 people indifferently strolled past him, a shocking surveillance video obtained by The Post reveals.

Some of the passers-by paused to stare at Hugo Alfredo Tale-Yax last Sunday morning and others leaned down to look at his face.

He had jumped to the aid of a woman attacked on 144th Street at 88th Road in Jamaica at 5:40 a.m., was stabbed several times in the chest and collapsed as he chased his assailant.

In the wake of the bloodshed, a man came out of a nearby building and chillingly took a cellphone photo of the victim before leaving. And in several instances, pairs of people gawked at Tale-Yax without doing anything.

Later, another man stopped, leaned over and vigorously shook Tale-Yax’s body. After lifting the victim’s head and body to reveal a pool of blood, he also walked off.

Not until some 15 minutes after he was shaken by the pedestrian — more than an hour and 20 minutes after the victim collapsed — did firefighters finally arrive and discover that Tale-Yax, 31, had died.

Firefighters were responding to a 911 call of a non-life-threatening injury at 7:23 a.m. when they found his body.

Cops said they received four 911 calls at around the time of the attack reporting a woman screaming, but found nothing. They received no other 911 calls.

The indifference of the pedestrians echoed the infamous 1964 murder of Kitty Genovese in Kew Gardens, Queens.

Her desperate screams after being stabbed failed to rouse assistance from the dozen or so people many neighbors who heard them.

George Subraj, owner of Zara Realty, which owns the building next to the murder scene, also gave surveillance footage to the NYPD for its investigation of the case.

The video shows an unidentified woman, standing about 5-foot-3 and wearing a jacket and skirt, walking down 144th Street near 88th Road with her cell phone in hand until.

As she walks under a protective scaffolding next to a building, a man is following her. He is described as 5-foot-6, wearing a green short sleeve shirt and dark pants with a green hat.

As that man accosts the woman under the scaffolding, Tale-Yax walks toward them.

Within seconds, the killer is seen on the video running out from the scaffolding and up 144th St, as the woman heads off in the opposite direction.

Tale-Yax then chases after his murderer, who had stabbed him several times in the torso with a knife, but immediately collapses face down onto the sidewalk.

Within a minute or so, the first of a long series of people begins walking by Tale-Yax without going to his aid.

That man, carrying a small bag, gave the dying Tale-Yax a glance before continuing on his way.

The victim’s body was claimed by someone whom the Medical Examiner’s Office declined to identify, and taken to a Brooklyn funeral home.

No arrests have been made, and the police have been unable to identify the woman Tale-Yax was trying to help.

Anyone with information about the murder is asked to call the NYPD’s Crime Stoppers Hotline--------------------

What gets me about this poor human being, Tale-Yax, is not only lethally stabbed while coming to the aid of this woman, but he could have been possibly saved if anyone had gotten him help as he slowly died. An entire hour or so goes by as 25 fuckers walk past him, not doing much of anything, except giving him an indifferent look. One asshole adds insult to the man's dignity and life by lifting the head of the homeless guy, sees the big pool underneath, drops the head and keeps on walking. Wow! Wish I could find that indifferent asshole and cave his head in with a baseball bat. I know the "an the eye for an eye" thing doesn't work for everyone but it can sure make a person feel good in certain situations.

This should be the kind of news that bothers everyone.

If you've read or have seen this story on the news or elsewhere and didn't feel something... anger... pity... disgust... something.... Then I encourage you to re-evaluate your humanity or lack of it and try hard to get some of it back again.

If that's the standard way (the completely indifferent way) of Big City Pedestrians, in regards to their fellow human beings, homeless or not, I don't want to live there. I'll stay in my small town where people wouldn't do walk by and do nothing to help somebody who is dying. I've read pathetic comments on this story suggesting that these fuckers walked by because they thought he was just another homeless bum, lying on the sidewalk, sleeping off his booze. Because of his stature in society, he did not rate as a human being. To these people, his life had no more value than a turd.

Hey, you fucking assholes in New York, I've got news for you! Tale-Yax was a human being. Even before he saved that woman's life. Don't stand there and take pictures of the man to add to your collection in your Facebook photo album, you sick fuckers! Don't walk by when you see someone that may be dead or dying!

Do something!

The video below shows Tale-Yax, the human being and the indifferent fuckers who walked by.

I Picked A Booger

Not to worry, folks. It was my very own. Fresh and hand-picked. I told my wife about picking this little green gem while we were watching "Dancing With The Stars". Yeah, I know. That fucking show. Just so all of you know, I'm being forced against my will to watch that god-awful piece of monkey shit that's chock full of either no talent, has-been celebrities or athletes who could bore the fuck out of a drooling retard whose only entertainment in life comes when she's eating a dead fly on the window sill of a sanitarium.

I did like Buzz Aldrin, though. Was that his name? Hell, I don't know. Fuzzy condition and all. I just know he was one of the original astronauts that went to the moon. I think I watched it on TV when I was a kid. At least, I think it was the moon.

But getting back to what's really important here. I picked a booger. And it was a perfectly proportioned booger that was green at the base but had a bit of yellowish pudding like substance on top. Now what I did with this nose trophy was truly most excellent.

I put it in a Kleenex tissue, twisted the tissue until it formed a white missile with, of course, the booger bulge (where the booger was resting comfortably and snug as a bug in a rug) was precisely at the top of this missile. Ready for liftoff, I threw my booger missile towards the trash can. Misfortune laid a hand upon me when my booger missile fell short of my intended target.

"What's that?", asked my wife.

I replied, quite triumphantly, I constructed a booger missile. Isn't it magnificent?

She said, "Ewww."

My wife got me back, however, for making her mildly nauseous. She suddenly stuck her tongue out and wiggled it. Normally, this would get me "in the mood", but then, I noticed a little bump on the end of it. Curiosity persuaded me to ask, "Is that a booger?"

She shook her head NO and finally said, "No, I ripped a piece of someone's foreskin from their cock." I thought, How nice. I smiled a bit and then quickly gave her my look. She laughed at the fake shocked look on my face and told me that it was actually a sore from biting her tongue by accident -which hurts like a motherfucker and usually happens when you're hungry as fuck and you go to take a big bite out of something and chomp on your freaking tongue, resulting in you having a big bloody wad of food in your mouth.

Fucking sucks, man.

Anyway, I hope you can use this important information so you can use your own boogers in such a fashion that you can help save the trees, the whales, the coral reefs and the ozone layer. This has been a public service announcement. Thank you and good night.

Strange Spanish Festivals

I've listed here a few of the strange Spanish festivals that go on throughout the year. Eh, don't try any of this at home... Really.

Goat Tossing Festival

The local people of the small town of Manganeses de la Polvorosa get together every year on the fourth Sunday in January. To do what? Why to toss goats, of course. The Goat Tossing Festival, in honor of St. Vincent de Paul, has been around so long, no one knows for sure when it started. The festival involves a young man who makes it his mission to find a goat in the village, tie it up and take it to the top of the local church belfry. From there, he tosses the goat over the side where it falls fifty feet to be caught by villagers holding up a sheet of tarpaulin. At least, they're supposed to catch it. I wonder how many times there was an oopsie during the big throw. Even though village officials have banned the event, it continues, anyway. Animal rights agencies complain but their complaints are ignored.

Bonfires of Saint John

Held on the 19th to the 24th of June, this is a popular festival in Spain that involves the lighting of bonfires. While villagers drink hot chocolate, the children take turns running through the bonfires. Weeee. "Hey mom, look! No hands! No legs, either! I fell into the fucking festival fire and now I'm a smoking, burnt stump of crispy flesh. Thanks for insisting I play in your strange and dangerous traditions, mom." No word yet if the children get to drink hot chocolate after offering their "well done but still pink on the inside" bodies for the amusement of the town folk.

The whole week is taken up with festivities that include fireworks displays and contests. Throughout the week, eighty-six women and eighty-six young girls are elected to be the "Beauties" of the bonfires. The beauties then preside over the festival as queens. Fortunately for the queens, they do not have to engage in fire running or acid drinking.

El Colacho

El Colacho (meaning -baby jumping) is a festival held every year on the feast of Corpus Christi. It involves the laying on mattresses all babies born in the previous twelve months. And then, things get even more fucked up when the adult men of the village of Castrillo de Murcia dress up as devils and take turns jumping over babies. Often resulting in injuries (thankfully, it's usually the adults who get hurt) it is believed that the jumping rids the babies of original sin. It also rids them of having a normal functioning brain when a knee cap slams into their soft spot. Pope Benedict XVI has asked the local priests to distance themselves from the festival because it is dangerous and contrary to the Catholic religion. Hmmm... You think? The Catholic religion has enough problems with the priests molesting kids these days.

La Tomatina

Again, another religious festival, this one is held on the last Wednesday of every August in the town of Bunol. Nine thousand locals to twenty to forty thousand foreigners go to the town to throw tomatoes at each other in honor of the Virgin Mary and St. Louis Bertrand. The festivities begin with an idiot attempting to climb up a tall greased pole to collect a cooked ham. Once the ham is taken down from the pole, water cannons are fired at the participants. To make things even more fun and bizarre, over a hundred tons of tomatoes are dumped into the streets for throwing. Women are expected to wear white and men are expected to go shirtless. You would think the women would go shirtless, also. Might as well. Anyone caught wearing a shirt inevitably has it ripped off, including women. Tourists tend to be the main target of the locals. Oh boy, now I want to go over to Bunol and join the fun. Nothing beats having your body pounded to a pulp with hundreds of tomatoes and having that acidic tomato juice splattered in your eyes for pure burning dissatisfaction.

This all just goes to show what bizarre lengths people will go to, to appease their gods and make fools of themselves for their religious beliefs. No matter who gets injured or killed in these festivals, the important thing is, is that they praised their saints and God the most freakish way imaginable. I've described only a few of these events going on throughout the year. There are plenty more where they came from (Spain). Needless to say, I have zero desire to go there. There are enough insane people here in the United States to contend with.

"Squeeze Me Macaroni" by Mr. Bungle

What a lovely song. Relax and enjoy!

Heh heh

Worse Than Sniffing Panties

When toe sucking and panty sniffing just isn't sick enough for some depraved fuckers, people will engage in the following fetishes and activities:

Furry Fandom

What is it? It's fucking bizarre, that's what it is. It involves a bunch of people dressing up as anthropomorphic animals or watching other freaks doing the same. Members of this fandom watch pornography of people dressed in animal suits, engaging in sexual acts while doing so (most of the time, they will be in a costume, themselves).

This fetish was highlighted on a TV show, not long ago. On an episode of "1000 Ways to die", they showed a reenactment and told a story about an idiot who is high on magic mushrooms, stumbling upon a group of these Furry Fandom weirdos in a secluded desert area. All of the participants were dressed as animals, getting it on, having a grand ol' time. The dude on mushrooms sees this and wants to get in on the bizarre action, as well. All members of the party push him away and he goes off into the woods nearby and finds a bear. A real bear. Gee... Can you guess what happens next? Yes, the drugged up freak tries to fuck the bear and is mauled to death as a result. Its funny because he deserved it. Its just too bad the rest of the party wasn't killed by the bear.

I have the video of this episode posted at the bottom of this page for a limited time. Click on the link beneath the video if the video isn't working. Sometimes it does. Sometimes not.

Teratophilia

Being sexually attracted to people who suffer from deformities, such as amputees or inviduals having a baby head growing out of their armpit is called Teratophilia. There's a lot of pornography dedicated to this type of fetish.

There are some freaks with an extreme version of this fetish that will search for doctors to perform amputation on them for the sole reason of attaining sexual pleasure. They can come to me for the job. I won't charge a penny. I'll be more than happy to cut off their arms and legs and throw them in the river. After all, the human gene pool needs to be cleaned of more than just a few imbeciles. As they float, stumpy-as-all-get-out, down the Ohio River, I will be sure to shout, "Bon Voyage, Bob!" Get it? Bob.

Omorashi

This is a fetish found mostly in Japan. It involves sexual gratification around having a full bladder. In most cases, sexual climax coincides with the moment of relief and it is sometimes associated with other urine-related fetishes. Most pornography for this fetish is soft core and involves clothed women squirming about on chairs or whatever, looking uncomfortable as they struggle not to wet themselves.

Crush Fetish

This one involves the desire to see small insects or animals being crushed to death. It is illegal in the U.S. and United Kingdom. Pornography created for this often entails a woman crushing an animal beneath her feet, usually shown in slow motion replays. Really... Fucking... Sick.

These examples prove, yet again, that the human gene pool needs a good cleaning. That's all for now. Happy thoughts, everyone!

Happy 420 Day, Everyone

Nice video. Funny song. I know I'm late in posting this, but I got sidetracked.

On The Road With Kelly

Twenty miles of road separated our place and our destination, today. Even though it wasn't that long of a drive we still managed to see several things that were odd or formidable throughout. The following events I describe really took place -as hard as it may be to believe.

The first sight/challenge we encountered on our journey was a long and twisted gauntlet of orange barrels and cones. Somehow we struggled our way through on a narrow, twisted, crumbling, one lane stretch of road. The road normally has two lanes but the other side going in the opposite direction was being blocked by the heavy machinery and the road crew.

The embankments on either side of this road leads to life threatening drop offs. Before you can kiss your ass goodbye, you're a fuckin' goner, man. The road crew would halt us at different parts of the road so the others in the opposite direction could come through on the same side of the shitty road. Not only did we have to dodge barrels, cones, people and potentially lethal drop offs, there was also the huge backhoe loader.

If you can't picture what I'm talking about, look at the picture of it in the upper left hand corner of this post. That's a backhoe loader. Do you see this fucking monstrosity? See the big elephantine claw-scoop thing in the back of this monster? What's this heavy metal monster doing on something that is, presently, little more than a sidewalk? That big claw-scoop thing was swinging towards us at one point and we thought simultaneously that (A) We have nowhere to go on this hellish road to avoid this gargantuan metal beast and (B) We're going to die before we can get to the shopping mall to spend way too money on stuff that we will likely put up on a yard sale next year.

After we struggle through that mess, we finally reach the interstate highway. Ah, a sigh of relief. Finally making headway. Progress, even. But lo and behold, what is this up ahead? Why it is an ambulance. Nearby the ambulance is a slew of cop cars, medical emergency personnel, mangled vehicles and people yelling at each other. This chaos was directly in between a fork in the highway. The closer we got to this accident, the more unsure we were that we were even going to make it to where we needed to turn off. Luckily, we are able make it around this annoying festival of disarray. I have no idea if anyone was killed or not. I was too busy jammin' and gyrating in my seat to my latest Rob Zombie CD to notice such trivialities. Bleed all you want, fuckers! I'm listening to my tunes!

Just as I'm finding relief from getting through that irritating bundle of wrecks and human misery, we travel another mile to see a flaming, smoking car sitting on the right side of a long metal bridge that sits over the river. And we have no choice but to go on this bridge to make it to the money pit known as the shopping mall. I say to my wife, "Gee, I hope that car doesn't explode just as we go past. That would suck mightily." She gives me that look that I take to mean that she is shitting herself (possibly literally) with anticipation.

Lucky again, we also get past the bomb on wheels -without being blown up. After we pass the fiery vehicle, my wife asks, "Hey, do you think we should call 911 for that car behind us?"

I reply, "No way. I'm busy reading the nasty little comic book that came with my new CD. Ha ha... Look at the cartoon werewolves fucking these virgins in the ass! What fun!"

She shakes her head and laughs. After 21 years, she gets me. Good thing, too.

Only a couple miles to our goal, we see a huge bloody pile of animal carcass on the side of the road, teaming with fresh maggots and busy buzzing flies. We ask each other what animal it could have been. Its so fucked up, discombobulated and mushy in some parts (it was headless, too) that we couldn't make out what the hell it was before it became a hairy, bloody, putrid mass of freakishness.

We both said, almost simultaneously, "I'm hungry."

After dropping money off at the travel agency for our upcoming cruise, we decide to throw a bunch of cash at a better-than-decent restaurant. Finally comfortable and salivating at the menu items, a family with a herd of children are soon seated right the fuck next to us. The whole place has maybe five customers in it (due to the odd time of day we came) and they seat two adults and a small army of kids next to good ol' quiet us. Why? I figure they do that in order to make it easier on the server. Put every asshole in a single row of tables. Fuck the customer if they want to eat in peace and not have a fucker on a cell phone yappity yapping away beside them. Hell, I don't know why they always do that. You tell me!

Of course, the children commence screeching, crying and poking each other's eyes out with forks. Normally, this would be funny -the ruptured eyeballs and all -but they were creating too much noise with their persistent wailing for me too handle. I get easily stressed out nowadays, with all the ugly shit that's happened in the past five years. It makes the diabetes worse, too. I start to shake and lose focus.

Rather than say something to the server like, "Could you move us away from the screeching monkeys beside us?", I ask my wife if she wanted to help me move our glasses and silverware, glasses and napkins to the empty table next to us before the waiter comes back and takes our order.

She does and we move our stuff to the next table.

In the past, I wouldn't have done something like that because I wouldn't want to seem rude to the family of screechers beside us -but now, thankfully, I plain just don't give a fuck anymore. Hell, after talking to two complete strangers (my therapist and psychiatrist) these last 2 years, crying and telling them absolutely everything I was feeling and some heavy secrets that even my wife doesn't know about, I can pretty much do or say anything without much guilt. Plus, this medication I'm on now causes me to be a bit on the aggressive side. Happy, aggressive, energetic and impulsive.

A beautiful combination for me. But not for others. Oh, well. Tee hee.

I cheated on my diet, today and had the full rack of hickory smoked ribs with garlic roasted mashed potatoes. Mmmm. It was yummy. It definitely didn't look like that dismembered caked-with-blood thing we saw on the side of the road, earlier. Speaking of things that are creamy, I also enjoyed a piece of white chocolate banana cream pie.

In the end, it turned out to be a better day than I expected given the way it began. I wonder if that car blew up? Ha ha.

Popular Misconceptions

There have been many popular misconceptions coming and thankfully going after they have been crushed by repeated explanations of the truth of things since the dawn of man. The truth usually needs to be repeated due to humankind's inability to accept new information or the lack of wanting to read and/or learn. And then there are the occasions when even that isn't entirely true. Sometimes, stuff falls through the crack of your life that you missed finding out about.

Hopefully, your crack (not the one in your ass) isn't that wide. Heh heh.

When They Hit The Earth, Meteorites Are Hot

I imagine you have, like I, seen plenty of cartoons and sci-fi movies where a meteor falls to Earth (at this point it becomes a meteorite) and once it is embedded into the ground, car or some poor unfortunate soul's head -it is glowing red and smoke is coming off of it. This is a famous misconception. The truth is that small meteorites are cold when they hit Earth; in fact, numerous ones are found with frost on them.

Think about it. A meteorite has been in near-absolute zero temperature of space for perhaps billions of years, so the interior, of course, is extremely frigid. The tremendous speed at which a meteor travels is enough to melt it's outer layer, but any molten material will be swiftly blown off and the interior of the meteor doesn't have time to heat up because rocks are shitty conductor of heat. Another thing: Atmospheric drag can slow small meteors to terminal velocity by the time they hit the ground, giving them ample time to cool down.

Blind Bats

A common misconception perpetuated by its use in metaphors and similes, bats have fairly normal eyesight, although they are very photosensitive and often dazzled by excessive light. Bats, however do often use echolocation in situations where their eyesight fails them, such as times of darkness.

The Spinning Of Toilet Water

Toilet water does not spin in a certain direction in coordination to which hemisphere its at on Earth. That phenomenon only occurs in weather patterns hundreds of miles in size, like hurricanes, due to the rotation of Earth. So no matter where you are, your turd will always go the same direction. Isn't that comforting?

Humans Evolved From Monkeys

Bear with me and read about the following misconception, carefully and thoughtfully.

A popular misconception about Darwin's theory of evolution by natural selection is that Darwin claimed we evolved from chimpanzees. Darwin never actually stated this, nor will any respectable biologist. This myth was actually spread by religious zealots during the nineteenth century in order to try and discredit Darwin and promote anti-evolutionism among the religious. Humans and chimpanzees are actually cousins (I have a cousin that appears to be a direct descendant of a chimp with all the goddamn hair on his back). Humans share about 94% of our DNA with chimpanzees and both evolved from a common ancestor, thought to be Sahelanthropus tchadensis, around seven million years ago.

"As Fit As A Fiddle"

This common old saying comes with the misinterpretation as meaning "fit" to being "healthy" -which is a nineteenth-century definition. Its original meaning was "suitable" and it is still being used in that context in the sentence, "fit for a king." "As fit as a fiddle" means "as appropriate as can be, not "in excellent health."

Remember gang, no matter how much you diddle your fiddle, it will not make you fit. Did that help? No? Oh, well.

Well guys and gals, those are all the misconceptions I have for you now. I hope you enjoyed learning new things or reading about some tired old info you already knew about. Heh heh. Either way, I've gotten it out of my system and I'm watching it go round and round and round here in the bathroom.

By Damned, I've Got Another Award

This time, I've received an award from Sex N' Fries, a very humorous website I have been visiting the last few months. Man, my head is getting big. Third award in two months. Perhaps if I stroke my big ol' melon hard enough, I will find release. Ba-dum-dum. Thank you. I will be playing all week. And no... not with myself.

Lizzy and Elle, the authors of this blog, write about sex (of course), relationships, health and life with funny, insightful flair that comes straight to the point. I like that in a blog. It makes me a shiny, happy, perverted and slightly psychotic individual.

More importantly...

Everyone should check out their blog and check out the fun they've got going on at their Sex N' Fries Club. Don't be afraid. Hahhaahahaaa.

Thanks, Lizzy and Elle. You gals are great.

The Beautiful People At WalMart

Whenever I walk into the WalMart in my home town, I usually see at least a half dozen customers (freaks) wearing the most outlandish clothes. Sometimes you'll see insane fuckers coming in with their bunny slippers on their feet and their hair standing straight up -as if they've just crawled out of bed, not bothering to look into a mirror for a quick take on how they appear. Other times you can be treated to the sight of an old fat guy, wearing a muscle shirt that barely conceals his flabby man boobs.

It's like walking into a carnival side show. You never know what to expect. What makes it even worse is when you're attempting to eat at the fast food joint they usually have at a WalMart, seeing some of these ugly fucks and struggling to keep your food down.

Here's a video featuring pictures from the hilarious site, peopleofwalmart.com. It might cause you to chuckle or cause you to upchuck. One or both. You've been warned. The song that accompanies the video is quite lovely, too. Though the idea of vomiting up your Big Mac and fries sounds pretty bad, it could be worse. You could be living with one of these biological oddities seen in this compilation. That is, if you have the self esteem of a turd.

Enjoy!

Great Way To Spend Your Days

Been wondering where I've been? No? Well, hell, I like you, too -damn it.

Needing a break from pretty much everything, I've spent the last few days finding relief by playing Roller Coaster Tycoon 3, Sacred and a few other old PC games I haven't played for years. They're every bit as addictive now as they were then. Pure escapism. Just what I needed. Now I'm back, ready to wreak havoc and dazzle fuckers with my infinite goddamn charm.

When I haven't devoted my time to building the most meanest, stomach churning rollercoasters known to animated computer characters, I've been going to different parks around my general area and taking nature shots.

You can tell I'm drawn to water in these photos. If you can't, you must be blind and/or clearly retarded. If this is the case, I will gladly wrap you in oil soaked blankets and set you afire. Don't worry. I've read it's supposed to be very relaxing. (Read previous post to understand, my gentle, slow-witted friend)

Hope you enjoy the shots.

Beijing Heat Therapy

Recently, I read about a quirky new trend in physical therapy that is being administered in Beijing, China. It's a heat therapy treatment that involves wrapping patients in oil soaked blankets and setting fire to them.

Hey, what could go wrong with that?

Han Li, who runs a clinic in Beijing that offers this treatment, says, "It looks pretty dangerous but it's harmless when done properly and we've never had a patient burnt yet."

Patients who have come from this without being cooked to "medium well" to "extra crispy" have said that the therapy produces total relaxation despite having flames just centimeters from their bare skin. One patient described the feeling of having it done by explaining, "It produces a type of heat that goes right inside you and leaves you completely relaxed. I have the treatment three times a week and return to work relaxed and rested."

Han Li also offers acupuncture with flaming needles and cupping, where heated cups are sealed to the patient's skin.

For a few Chinese banknotes more, you can now have a treatment that involves a metal spoon being held over an open fire until it glows bright red and then have it applied directly onto your ass cheek, eyeball or ballsack. You may have to sign a waiver for this therapy, however.

I'm kidding about that last treatment. As far as I know, no one is doing it... yet. But give it time.

Although the idea of being wrapped in swaddling, oil soaked blankets on fire sounds like a hot time in the ol' town tonight, I will have to pass. I'm not into being on fire, whatever the method used and recommended.

I would much rather try the old fashioned Chinese pain therapy of basic acupuncture -with no flames- thank you. I could handle that, with ease, I believe, since I stick myself with insulin needles and check my blood sugar, using needles twice a day. Because of this, acupuncture for me would likely be a walk in the proverbial park.

What do you think -about any of this?

I've Been Awarded

Every so often people recognize your greatness, your superiority over one and all. Today is that day!

Heh. Heh. Just kidding. My ego isn't big enough to block out the freaking sun, after all. It's just humongous enough to block the TV set while you're trying to watch "19 Kids and Counting", the worst show on the air that features a woman who believes that her body is a human vending machine and her rabid, bouncing-off-the-walls brood of rug rats (children, to some).

So you can thank me for my gigantic head.

The reality is, is that when you're feeling kinda crappy over something personal you feel had to be done (which was the case for me Monday night), every so often someone or something will lift your spirits. It could be a simple thing that does it -or not .

My bloggy pal, Gary, from Klahanie lifted my spirits high by recently giving me a Beautiful Blogger Award. Thanks Gary! That cheered me up and the kind words you said on your blog are greatly appreciated, as well. I want to let you know that Gary was awarded the same award and he deserves it. Anyone visiting Gary's cheerful blog will enjoy their stay, for certain. And I must say that interacting with Gary is always a pleasure.

I will now release the "wee folk". :-) They don't make very good hostages, anyway.

And Ashley from One Crazy Brunette Chick... I must apologize for not showcasing the Crazy Brunette for giving me an award before the award I received just recently. Make sense? Anyway... I thank ye goddess before but I shall do so again... Thank you, Ashley.

Also, I'd just like to say...

You're like a goddamn ray of fuckin' sunshine, you Crazy Brunette! The peasants and other folk worship the ground you defecate on. And I mean that with love or something. Go to the Crazy Brunette's blog. It's pure entertainment. Just be sure to wear a helmet beforehand. This woman is dangerous.

Both awards would have been proudly placed on my mantelpiece but my mantelpiece was full of all of my other trophies of worship so I placed them here, down below and off to your extreme right. See them? Good. Heh heh.

Nice Times During Easter Sunday

For once in a long time, my immediate family had a pleasant time together. Normally this is because our family is so dysfunctional, aggressive and so easily agitated, this is not the typical case. Unfortunately, because my sister, father and I are so convinced in what we're saying to be the absolute truth, an argument erupts. But thankfully, as I said in so many words, we all got away from that scenario "Scot free", having a good, peaceful day, full of laughs and really calm dialogue between all of us.

My sister's kid hid plastic Easter eggs around the park on the downhill slope. She also hid them around the gigantic wooden gazebo that sits near the lake while we kept a close, watchful eye on her -not that she would purposefully fall in or anything. My little niece made a game out of it where the grown ups had to find the eggs, for a change. If anyone found a rubber ball inside an egg, that person would be the winner. The prize was nothing.

After hiding them she watched my dad, sister, wife and brother-in-law huffing and puffing, stooping down and gathering the eggs and all the while, she cackled like a crazy little Munchkin. She would likely still be cackling even if good ol' Uncle Kelly dropped dead on the ground during the hunt. Ha ha ha. Maybe not. But she is twisted like that -like the rest of us. Must be a family trait.

It was fun and incredibly enjoyable to see the happy expression on my niece's face. These are the kind of times I want to remember the most.

Earlier that afternoon we ate bratwursts and potato salad in the gazebo. I'm old enough and wise enough now to do things I would never opt to do when I was younger and so ignorantly worried about how things look. "Who cares!", I say now. The reward I took from it, as I could tell the rest of us did, was seeing her happy. Pure. Simple. And dare I say, joyous.

Later on, our family took turns riding the little rides and pushing each other on the swing sets. There was someone flying a big dragon kite up in the air. It was a beautiful thing to see. The kids laughed. The grown ups smiled.

It was my idea to go to one of the most unused, beautiful city parks in the entire world. At the risk of sounding egotistical, which I admit I can be, I think I made a wise decision. I'm grateful and fortunate it sits so close to where I live. I've taken pictures of the park before during this last winter. Here's a link to that post:

psychocarnival.blogspot.com/2010/02/winter-park-scenery.

Of course, it looks green and lush now. The perfect place for a peaceful family outing. I will be taking pictures of it again soon, the next time I take a walk. Right now, we're enduring a freaking monsoon.

Take care, everyone!

Icky, The Easter Bunny's Half Brother

Meet Icky, the Easter Bunny's half brother.

Icky will quietly slip into your house at night, before Easter morning, go into your refrigerator and steal all of your eggs. It doesn't matter to Icky if your eggs are colored or not, he will take them, along with any fresh or rotten vegetables you have. Actually, he prefers rotten vegetables over fresh because he enjoys scraping the hairy fungus on top and spreading the stuff on a piece of bread as if it were peanut butter. The porn magazines you have hidden aren't safe, either.

We won't discuss what he does with them. This is, after all, a family blog.

Yep.

After Icky has taken what he wants, he will go to your liquor cabinet and drink all your booze. After he drinks so much (he has trouble holding his liquor), Icky will projectile vomit onto your furniture in every room of your house. This is Icky's way of blessing your home.

If you wake up to the sounds of the deranged bunny's retching and eventually find him spattering out pre-digested carrots and bits of human fingers, he will quickly cease vomiting, look at you and growl, shaking frantically, while his big black bunny eyes increasingly dilate to the size of Magic 8 Balls. Completely enraged, Icky will leap up into the air towards you with the intention of taking you to the floor and biting off your head as if it were a rotten, maggot infested hunk of broccoli.

This would be a great time for you to run.

Unless you have a gun. If you do have a gun with you, you must shoot Icky right between the eyes or he will not be stopped. Failure to hit Icky in his "soft spot", will only enrage Icky further. If he was not killed and is on top of you, gnawing your scalp with his nasty ass, dripping-with-slime teeth, please feel free to scream. At this point, it won't matter. Icky has the strength of ten Incredible Hulks. Before you can shout, "I've fallen and I can't get up because I'm pinned down by an insane giant rabbit!", Icky will have bitten off the top of your head, scooped out your brain matter and gingerly place it into a festive, brightly colored Easter basket, complete with large, fancy decorative bow.

Later, after Icky's had his way with your corpse, he will commence to sing a beautiful composition. Enticed by the rabbit's song, neighboring animals will suddenly pour into your house through the chimney, windows or magically appear out of nowhere. Once they've gathered around Icky and your headless body, the animals will dance merrily to Icky's delightful tune, bringing forth a sense of harmony and peace to all of God's creatures.

After the celebration has ended, Icky will hop away to the next house.

This a been a public service announcement from the kind, considerate and loving folks from Psycho Carnival. Happy Easter, everyone!

Movie Reviews -#4,037

Alice In Wonderland in 3D -As I promised to do a long time ago, I am finally reviewing this movie.

We got in the theater, put on our 3D glasses and oohed and ahhed while we watched the cool special effects of this movie. All the plants, wild other-worldly Wonderland scenery and computer animated characters really come alive in all manner of colors and textures in this movie. The movie is very trippy and very soothing... in a spiritual kind of way.

The Chesire Cat, Mad Hatter, Caterpillar and Alice were my personal favorite characters.

The core story throughout, is about twenty-ish year old Alice, getting up the courage to make hard choices in life. The exampled choices presented to her are: Accepting a weak dufus' hand in marriage in front of a huge audience of people, a few really piling on the pressure to say "yes". Then there is the choice to tell her "keepers" to get off her back about being a "proper woman" with their idea of being proper actually meaning to be continuously anal retentive and do the supposed "right thing at all times". There are more, but you'll just have to see the movie, if you haven't already. What's also interesting is that other character's in this flick have their own battles within to deal with, as well.

It's easy to empathize with Johhny Depp's character, the Mad Hatter. You'll know why when you see the flick.

Thankfully, Alice musters up the courage to stand up to her battles within herself, to make hard choices in her life. This is a thinking man's/woman's Alice In Wonderland. Sure the 3D effects are great, but I also give this movie an enthusiastic thumbs up for it's philosophical atmosphere and ponderings.

The Men Who Stare At Goats

The movie stars George Clooney, Ewan McGregor, Kevin Spacey and for me, Jeff Bridges, stole the show, so to speak. Jeff Bridges is the real core to this movie.

Produced by prankster, George "Bat Nipples" Clooney, this movie is certainly a wild, sometimes comedic ride. It also, like Alice in wonderland, has a philosophical feel to it, bringing questions of what's right and wrong and real to one's mind. At least, it did for me.

Jeff Bridges is Bill Django, the genius behind the Army unit that uses their psychic abilities to find hostages through using "remote viewing" (which means attempting to get a mental picture, a "snapshot", of some far off actual event and/or location) and finding ways to defend the country through peaceful means. Even if it means, turning invisible and running through walls. Unfortunately, Kevin Spacey's character spoils the project for everyone but thankfully gets a little comeuppance towards the end. I will say no more.

Ewan McGregor's part, the reporter who narrates and is a vital character in the movie is told, by Clooney's character, how an Army Officer, Django, put together the New Earth Army philosophy and the team of recruits, who are encouraged to use their special abilities . We're shown how Django traveled throughout the world during the sixties and seventies, learning all manner of incredibly enlightening, yet sometimes, slightly goofy beliefs and how to accomplish fantastic feats with only your mind.

The journey that the viewer takes in this movie is the main part of this flick. The movie has inspired me to want to go out and buy the book by Jon Ronson (the actual reporter), who investigated the original story of this actual part of U.S Army history. The book is likely more detailed and even more fascinating. Then, I'll have my own investigating to do. Heh heh.

In summary, I give the Men Who Stare At Goats a very solid (not invisible) thumbs up.

What God Wants (part 1) by Roger Waters

Trippy video. Great song. Clever lyrics. Do you know what is the real meaning of this song? I've included the lyrics to help you out. Heh heh.

What God wants God gets God help us all

What God wants God gets

The kid in the corner looked at the priest

And fingered his pale blue Japanese guitar

The priest said

God wants goodness

God wants light

God wants mayhem

God wants a clean fight

What God wants God gets

Don't look so surprised

It's only dogma

The alien prophet cried

The beetle and the springbok

Took the Bible from its hook

The monkey in the corner

Wrote the lesson in his book

What God wants God gets God help us all

God wants peace

God wants war

God wants famine

God wants chain stores

What God wants God gets

God wants sedition

God wants sex

God wants freedom

God wants semtex

What God wants God gets

Don't look so surprised

I'm only joking

The alien comic cried

The jackass and hyena

Took the feather from its hook

The monkey in the corner

Wrote the joke down in his book

What God wants God gets

God wants borders

God wants crack

God wants rainfall

God wants wetbacks

What God wants God gets

God wants voodoo

God wants shrines

God wants law

God wants organized crime

God wants crusade

God wants jihad

God wants good

God wants bad

What God wants God gets

Eggs-cellent