Heartwarming Memories of the Zoo

A quick introduction: Your guest poster today is Pickleope (proprietor of Pickleope.com). In honor of a culture predicated on combining two existing commodities (we’re looking at you, Pride and Prejudice and Zombies or Cowboys and Aliens or Paula Deen Riding Things) a Pickleope is the unholy combination of a pickle and an antelope. 

Shameless self-promotion section over.

As you know and as he has explained, Kelly is a bit preoccupied with the rigors of life (The speculation that he’s laying low after Bin Laden was taken out is probably not true. More likely he’s busy scouring the internet for all bloggers using “pickle” in the title. What’s up Mrs. Pickle! No relation.) And so he is unable to spin magical verbal yarns for our entertainment. Instead he has bestowed upon us the pleasure of weaving our words on his blog like something akin to the blankets Christopher Columbus handed out (enjoy your smallpox).

On to the nonsense!

We like to generally keep things clean over at the church-like hallowed grounds of our website. And we’d like to take this great opportunity to clean up this den of depravity with some touching, family stories from the zoo. What could be sweeter than frolicking animals in captivation...well maybe a baby with Clint Howard’s head riding Steve Buscemi bareback around a mud pit where Kathy Bates is giving Stephen Hawkins a lap dance while a Spin Doctors song plays. Yep, that would be sweeter, but this is close.

Get your “Awwwww” faces on, because we’re about to stuff some “cute” in your ass.

The following stories are all true.

In the Houston Zoo, they house the anteater and tapir together. 

The enclosure kind of looked like this...except without the mountains, the extract bottle...the  guy from a cult in the corner...well basically without anything except the two animals.

On this visit, the tapir was laying on its side when our curious anteater came strutting up to the tapir. The anteater without pretense or foreplay went straight to tossing the tapir’s salad. It was a thing of beauty, using its ant-digging nail and ant-slurping tongue to get all up in there. And the tapir loved it. But after a few minutes, the tapir grew tired of this lavish treatment some people pay a lot of money for...a LOT of money...like enough to make Greece solvent (not that we've looked into it or made phone calls or put an ad on CraigsList or anything). So after getting what we can only imagine was the best rimming of its life, the tapir gets up and starts trying to bite the anteater’s tail (probably out of shame). The anteater is just trying to strut away, but the tapir keeps coming at him. The anteater finally turns and gives the tapir a swift pimp-like backhand. Moral of the story: Enjoy any good consensual tonguing, butt or otherwise or you risk swift retribution for not appreciating such a delightful gift.

We’ll skip the story of the ape eating its own poop and maybe the one about the otter swimming on its back and peeing in its own mouth (both also true) in favor of a sweet underdog tale.

At the Santa Barbara zoo, they harbored a magical freak-of-a-beast known by its simple yet descriptive moniker: the Crooked Neck Giraffe.  

Must have been hell on the mother in delivery.

Our handi-giraffe was more than a misfit. It was an entertainer. On this day, an able-necked giraffe began sniffing at the crooked-neck giraffe’s urine stream and apparently this urine smelled and tasted like wine because that straight-necked giraffe could not get enough. When the stream stopped, the straight-necked calmly walked over to the feeding perch and slurped food off the hands of children who were all-too-happy to have the urine-soaked tongue slobber all over them (and their golden shower fetish was born).

Awwwwwwww. Isn’t it cute how the misfit got revenge by having sweet tasting wee-wee? That’s how that Cher movie, Mask, ended isn’t it? Eric Stoltz just peed in the bikers' mouths, right?

Aren’t animals the cutest? Hopefully we did a serviceable job in in his place and hopefully Kelly recovers from his pump incident (that is who yesterday’s post was about, right?).

~Pickleope