I demand that you give me all of your most stupidest questions, at once, my cherished friends, for I, THE GREAT AND MAGNIFICENT KELLY, will respond with the most amazing answers. Once I reveal these wise and wonderful intriguing solutions to your fascinating inquiries, you shall surely rejoice with gladdened hearts and fondle thyself with much laughter and tears of joy.
Behold!
Not sure quite what to ask??? Hmmm???
Here are some super fine examples of absurd questions that may be asked:
Why is it that when the door is open they call it ajar but when the jar is open it isn't adoor?
What is the speed of dark?
Is there a pill-popping, peanut packing postmaster in Peckersville, Pennsylvania? And if so, how?
When the shit hits the fan, does the fan scream, in protest?
Is it raining?
Can you make a tea off the sweat of your taint?
If the bumbling baker boils his bowls of Bugaboo Broccoli Broth, how many squirrels will smile?
ALL OF THESE SPECTACULAR INQUIRIES, PLUS YOUR OWN THAT YOU OFFER UP TO MY SPECTACULAR SELF, SHALL BE ANSWERED THIS FRIDAY. ASK THE GREAT AND MIGHTY KELLY ANY THOUGHTFUL (moronic) QUESTION THAT POPS WILLY NILLY INTO THY MIND AND I SHALL BLESS AND ANOINT THEE WITH SUCH WISDOM, YOU SHALL SURELY FALL TO YOUR KNEES, SOB AND ATTEST TO MY UNSURPASSED MARVELOUSNESS which will be followed, not long afterwards, by a dizzying array of song, dance and merrymaking.
Behold!
And prepare thy insipid inquiries for the Genuinely Goodly and Godlike Kelly!
OOoooooh, can you feel the excitement burning in your loins???? That's a STD, my friends!
Remember: All answers will be revealed in all of their seductive and comely completeness this Friday- so don't delay with those fabulously fantastic questions of yours.
You mean we have almost an entire week to submit questions that burn with desire for answers??? Ooo! ooo! Ooo! Me first! Me first!
ReplyDeleteQuestion #1 - If a Purple People Eater eats people, what does he drink?
Question #2 - Is sexual harassment at work a problem for the self-employed?
Question #3 - Why are some gay people so unhappy?
Question #4 - Is there a limit to the number of stupid questions I can ask? (I have a lot more!)
The Minute Man's Wife- Yes, you have until Friday. This must fill thy heart with much excitement and unparalleled ecstasy. Behold! You are the first lucky contestant. And there are no limits to the number of stupid questions that may be asked so ask away and ALL INQUIRIES SHALL BE ANSWERED.
ReplyDeleteHoooooooorrrraaaayyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!
(You can't see me now but I am drooling with anticipation at the thought of answering all forthcoming questions)
Good day, madam!
Hot from the furrowed brow of Sir Tom Eagerly:
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you have given me this opportunity Kelly, dear boy.
This is what I have been asking myself lately:
Obviously in a Pythagorean triangle we know that a^n x b^n = c^n, (say for example, 3^2 x 4^2 = 5^2, that is 9 x 16=25). Naturally. Well can you prove that there is no whole-number solution to this equation where n is greater than 2 (up to infinity)?
You will have spotted, old boy, that this is Fermat's Last Theorem, probably the most difficult piece of mathematics posed in the last 400 yeras.
I'll look in on Friday for the answer if that's OK.
Ah Kelly,
ReplyDeleteHello, old boy. Shit, I'm starting to sound like the man who has a 'furrowed brow', Sir Tom.
First of all, I would like to note your modesty "THE GREAT AND MAGNIFICENT KELLY."
Anyway, here are some questions from me, yes, shy and humble me.
1: If you are alone in the forest and a tree falls over, does the tree make a sound because you are there?
2: What is the speed of silence?
3: Why are peanuts called 'peanuts', when they are neither a pea or a nut, but actually a bean?
4: I keep hearing folks say that they, 'love their kids to bits'. Isn't that dangerous, Kelly?
Do you like gladiator movies?
ReplyDeleteEver seen a grown man naked?
In the Wal-mart story, you give an example of a dissatisfied customer who returns her partially eaten sausage roll to the store for a refund. Her complaint? The sausage dripped meat juice into her bed (and apparently it also grew pubic hair).
ReplyDeleteMy query is this: What is wrong with having 'meat juice' in your bed?
I thank you for your kind attention.
Krista
Hmm...this is the opportunity of a lifetime, and...I've got nothin'? Perhaps, I lack the inquisitive mind of a young child, or the pressure of coming up with questions has erased all brain cells located in the question section. What do you think is going on wondrous, all knowing Kelly? I eagerly await your answer on Friday!
ReplyDeleteOMG, HOW messed up am I that I can't think of any questions off the bat?!
ReplyDeleteWait a minute, does that count as question #1?
Okay, just gimme a bit for some to come to me. Can't figure if I need to go up more or come down.
Sir Tom Eagerly- You're most welcome, Sir Tom. It's a real pleasure to be able to allow your good self to show the world just how brilliant you are by asking such a "stupid question". As soon as I read this mathematical problem that has been posed for 400 years, I, of course, knew the answer immediately. Friday, the answer you seek and desire so intimately shall be revealed. Are you as happy as a little school girl in a bed of posies with a flask of hooch in your back pocket? Now don't tell me... I know the answer to this amazing question, as well. :)
ReplyDeleteklahanie- Comparing yourself to Sir Tom of 'furrowed brow' and mathematical problem solving fame? Why... Perish the thought, ol' boy, ol' scoundrel, ol' rascal you. I appreciate your inquiries, Gary and thank you for the opportunity to share my wisdom on these highly thought-provoking questions.
ReplyDeleteDid you like that... 'THE GREAT AND MAGNIFICENT KELLY'??? It's a dandy, isn't it? There's probably some cross-eyed monkey out there that's just stumbled on this blog for the first time and assumes I'm being serious about myself. Take care, my friend. All answers to all questions offered to me will be answered Friday.
Lost.in.Idaho- Gosh, these are intriguing, complex questions that will take considerable time for me to think about but I believe, yes believe, that I, THE GREAT AND MAGNIFICENT KELLY, am up to the task and shall be able to answer these, Friday, just for you.
ReplyDeleteBecause, as everyone knows, I care a lot. :)
Krista- Hmmm... Odd... I have a sibling by this same first name. Could this be...? Nahhhh. Must be somebody else. :)
ReplyDeleteThe 'meat juice' query you have posed to the MODEST AND MIRACULOUS KELLY is most intriguing. I shall have to ponder this for many hours over a delicious breakfast meal of greasy sausage sticks, eggs and coffee. Of course, after this, I will have the rip-roaring shits for the next day or two but "in the end", as in my "butthole end"... I think I will have the answer to this most perplexing question for you, Friday. Stay tuned! Take care! Don't forget to feed the turkeys!
THE SNEE- lol... No problem, Rebecca. But the one question you did pose... 'What do you think is going on wondrous, all knowing Kelly?'- will be answered promptly and courteously this Friday, along with everyone else's. Your eagerness shall be rewarded and then some. Take care.
ReplyDeleteLilPixi- Yes, that first question counts as a question because it's a question. Too late. :) Hahahahaha. While you're figuring out whether to come up more or come down, I shall take this spare moment to cut a delightfully pungent fart. Ahhhh. There I go. Anyhoooo... Don't fret over your wonderful, thought-provoking questions that you have kindly bestowed upon me like a crown of Goobers (whatever that means). I loved them... Seriously. And I will answer them, Friday. I had to look up what you meant by 'Mecha Streisand' because it's been awhile since I watched South Park. Now I know. :) Family Guy has kinda taken South Park's place the last couple years for me. Btw, now I know what you meant by some of what you said on FB, too. :) Take care, LilPixi.
ReplyDeleteIf a bird can fly why can't a fly bird?
ReplyDeleteBazza’s Blog ‘To Discover Ice’
bazza- Ah yes... I remember Socrates wrestled with this question all of his life but couldn't come up with a satisfactory answer. But I will, goddamn it! See you here Friday, if not sooner. Sooner, I hope. :) Take care, bazza.
ReplyDeleteWell, I can see you have your work cut out for you here and I'm seriously looking forward to your answers. I had to get one more in before your imposed deadline.
ReplyDeleteQ) If you are in a car traveling at the speed of sound, and then you turn your head lights on what happens?
The Minute Man's Wife- Damn betcha I have my work cut out for me- but I wouldn't have it any other way. lol.
ReplyDeleteI thank you for your question. All of these amazingly fantastical jolly ol' questions will be answered by the Master of All wisdom, Himself... uh, erm... that would be me or something. lol. Take care :)