Monday, December 29, 2008
Check it out. Seventy degrees Fahrenheit for almost 24 hours. Suddenly, within a few hours after this period, it drops to thirty degrees. Somewhere between these extremes, we get hit with freezing rain. The result of this produces a quarter inch glaze of ice on the interstate highways. Dozens of accidents and traffic jams all across the tri-state area pop up faster than you can say, "Oh my God, that crazy bastard in the vehicle up ahead of me is going the speed of light." Then, if you're an even bigger moron, you cry out loud, "Let's try to catch them!"
And then you do catch up to Idiot Number One. Instantly, you crash, joining him or her in a horrendously bloody seven car pile up. When metal meets flesh, it's always a grand time. Hooray. Hooray.... and then some.
But, not really.
People seem to be their dumbest when weather conditions are at their worst.
Let's see. What was the point I was making here? My train of thought has derailed. Oh, yeah.
Unfortunately, I had to get out in all this muck because the wife and I fell behind in the ol' Christmas Is Here, We Have To Prepare And Make like Rabid Pit Bulls Department.
While my wife was at work, I was in a hurry to get to the grocery store. I wanted to get there before the freezing rain came down that night. I had to get a bunch of stuff for the Christmas dinner party my wife and I were going to do for the family. I had my list. I had my coat on. I thought I was good to go.
I get to the new Kroger's Store. Get my grocery cart. Looking at my list in hand and running over the heels of customers in the store, I make my way through about six or seven aisles. Strangely enough, as I roll by some customers, I'm surprised to discover they are smiling at me. Showing teeth and everything. Being the paranoid bastard I so charmingly have become, I begin to wonder why. Usually, people scowl and sometimes, grimace toward me. I think they're just jealous of my good looks. I smile back at them.
Hahaha. And then some.
Eventually, I hear the clank-clank-clank of metal against metal. I look down. I can't believe my belt is completely unbuckled. I can't believe I couldn't hear my damned belt buckle hitting the back of my cart. Only the top button on my pants are fastened. The only force field keeping my junk from falling out are my tighty whiteys. Darn it. Forgot to wear the fuzzy thong. Wait a minute. That's my ass hair!
Anyway, that's why these freaks were gazing upon me and smiling like loons. They thought I was nuts. Or a molester or flasher or something. I wonder what they thought when they saw me smiling back at them.
Me-Me from The Screaming Me-Me twisted my arm and threatened to cut off my junk unless I put up this post. Gosh. How violent.
For more information on my ass hair, check out http://psychocarnival.blogspot.com/2008/12/nostril-hair-and-cock-eyed-folks.html
You will be richly rewarded.
Monday, December 22, 2008
I WONDER WHERE THAT PERSON'S HAND HAS BEEN BEFORE I SHOOK IT. THAT HAND COULD HAVE BEEN SCRATCHING THAT PERSON'S GREASY HEAD, SWEATY ARMPIT, ACNE SPECKLED BACK OR WRINKLY NUT SACK BEFORE IT TOUCHED MY UNTAINTED, UNDEFILED APPENDAGE.
Have you ever.... been on a wild roller coaster at an amusement park and wonder what it would be like if the coaster you were riding suddenly became unhinged, flew off the track, tumbled downward, over and over, then crushed a bunch of people below into paste, who just recently had been pointing up into the air, shrieking toward your oncoming ride instead of getting the freaking hell out of the way?
Have you ever.... stabbed a frog in the belly with a tree limb and put it over a campfire just to hear it scream? I have. And I sometimes think of that time with regret, especially when I eat frog legs. Mmmmmm.
Have you ever.... heard of a government that would give the wealthiest corporations and banks in the world hundreds of billions of dollars without finding out how the taxpayer's money was spent after the "loan" or "bailout" or "scam"?
Not until about a month ago. Why? What's wrong with that kind of thinking? Where's your anger? Or blind obedience? Heh heh.
Have you ever.... heard of a mother that has purposely given birth to 18 children? I have. She's the mother of the Duggar family from Arkansas. Click this link for more info on that. Since this last little blessing has dropped into this family's life, I have often wondered if this woman somehow believes herself to be a human vending machine, or perhaps, she feels that her vagina is a clown car and has cheerfully opted to force her ever widening clown car door to pop out as many little hairless clowns as it can.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Saturday, December 13, 2008
I've had fun. I'm serious now. Puh-puh-please believe me. (stuttering problem)
As an added bonus, I've met (not in persons) many bloggers that I call friends. And they're the best kind of friends, too. They laugh at some of your jokes and won't ask for money. Can't beat that with a paraplegic midget. But please call me over when you're about to try. Buh-dum-bum.
The first blogger I befriended was Sy from The Wheel Is Turning But The Hamster Is Dead . He's got a real flair for humor. The funny kind. And a good guy, from what I can tell (Hmmmm). And he's British so he talks funny. (Just kiddin' mister Sy) Seriously, Sy and I were crackin' each other up (with sledgehammers) all the way back to the days of bloggerforum. Thanks, Sy. Check out his damned site for damned laughs. Damn it.
Since then, I've made a crap load of buds from other blogs. Some are still kickin' it with their blogs. Some have disappeared into the mystery hole where bloggers lose their way or get terminal writer's block or they're kidnapped by an old drugged out carnie, named Hank, of course, with a massive booger hanging out his left nostril and hands drenched with goo.
Look to my right column. It would be the one on the right. Where it says, Check Out These Blogs Or Suffer Horribly. Okay. Now, do yourself a favor and check all of them out. Or you will suffer horribly. Really. Seriously, all these people running these blogs provide nothing but top quality laughs, entertainment and information. They're the best. I would call them friends. Damo, from Angry Clown is throwing up even as I write this. Good.
To me a blog is an amazing way to express your thoughts. It's a more distinct, clearer way, for certain. The details are in the words, folks. It's one of the true benefits of writing out your ideas. I've gained infinite (well, not really infinite) amounts of wisdom, laughs and whatnot while blogging with you folks. I hope you've gotten at least a teeny tiny bit of something from me. (not that funky stuff)
Thursday, December 11, 2008
1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a 'BREASTED AMERICAN.
2. She is not a 'SCREAMER' or a 'MOANER' - She is 'VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
3. She is not 'EASY' - She is 'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'
4. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE - She is a 'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
5. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a 'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.
6. She is not an 'AIRHEAD' - She is 'REALITY IMPAIRED.
7. She does not get 'DRUNK' or 'TIPSY' - She gets 'CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED
8. She does not have 'BREAST IMPLANTS' - She is 'MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
9. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes 'VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'
10. She is not a 'TRAMP' - She is 'SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
11. She does not have 'MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS' - She is 'PECTORALLY SUPERIOR'
12. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a 'LOW COST PROVIDER.'
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a 'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY
2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is 'OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He 'INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
5. He is not a 'CRADLE ROBBER' - He prefers 'GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
6. He does not get 'FALLING-DOWN DRUNK' - He becomes 'ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
7. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of 'RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
8. He is not a 'MALE CHAUVINIST PIG' - He has 'SWINE EMPATHY.
9. He is not afraid of 'COMMITMENT' - He is 'RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED.
10. He is not 'HORNY' - He is 'SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
11. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'REAR CLEAVAGE.
*This was forwarded to the wife and I from her co-worker. I placed it here due to me having an annoying case of writer's block. I would apologize but I'm not that sensitive.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
For that reason-and many more-I'm surprised she agreed, years later, to marry me. But I digress.
Anyway, her mom convinced her to sit on Santa's lap that year in our town's Santa's Castle. My wife had told her she really didn't feel like it. Santa's Castle was basically a red and white shed on wheels. It kind of resembled a castle. If you squinted long enough at it and drank enough tequila.
Santa promted her to come forward, noticing she was embarrassed and a little nervous. Finally, she got the nerve and sat on his lap. Lo and behold, my wife said she felt Santa's North Pole bumping into her butt crack. She was so shocked and frightened by this, she quickly got off jolly ol' St. Nick's lap, posthaste. When she turned around, sure enough, he was saying, "Ho ho
ho" while "pitchin' a tent" in his festive red pants.
She also said she could smell the alcohol on his breath during the short time she was on his lap.
I forgot to ask her if Santa inquired as to why she got off before he had the chance to ask her what she wanted. Maybe he figured it out in his drunken stupor.
She never thought of anybody in a Santa suit quite the same way since. She laughs about that incident now. I'm glad. Heh heh.
Monday, December 8, 2008
This link was given to me, with gratitude, by Static. Check out this crazy guy's website here
Sunday, December 7, 2008
One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for sex.
"What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what sex was, and he said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree. " Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have that all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground, and spread her legs wide. "Here," she said, pointing, "You must put it in here. " Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "Why the hell did you do that?"
"Tarzan check for bees!"
This joke made me laugh. It also got me to thinking why, in this society, is it easier to accept a guy getting kicked between the legs as humor- but not a woman.
America's Funniest Home Video's bread and butter is their endless collection of clips of people getting hurt. About half of those are of guys receiving a wallop to the berries. This almost always garners a laugh from the audience and some people sitting at home, watching.
Men may laugh but they also wince. We know what it's like to get our nuts crunched. It's quite excruciating. Rarely do you see a woman getting a kick or swift whack to the coochie in those clips. I guess it's somehow not as funny in tv land so it isn't shown. From what I've been told by a couple females I know, it hurts like hell when they take a hit to the love pocket.
But why is it "funnier" to show a man getting hurt instead of a woman? Seems sexist to me. What do you think?
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Monday, December 1, 2008
What really drops my jaw is when he munches on something that's still alive. One time, I watched Andy eat a large, plump spider that was writhing in agony as he bit into it.
I wonder if this guy has a girlfriend: A girlfriend willing to kiss him after some of the repulsive crap he has shoved between his lips for the sake of a tv show.
To be fair, I'm sure there are folks around the world who are equally repulsed/fascinated by the some of the things we eat here in America. Perhaps they're shocked about our consuming of beef. Maybe it's venison. It could be a lot of things.
My sister tried breaded rattlesnake when the family traveled to Wyoming one year. I've had alligator meat. Tastes like chicken. Ha ha. I've chowed down on buffalo burgers and squirrel, too.
After doing some research, I've found out more about what people on this planet consider digestible. I've provided a list of some of the most shocking "edibles" for you to enjoy. Bon appetite!
Maggot Cheese (Italy)
During the aging process, a fly called Piophila casei deposits its eggs on the cheese. When the maggots are born, they move throughout the cheese, excreting enzymes that give it an overwhelmingly pungent smell, a rotten taste, and a soft, creamy texture.
Ox Penis (Asia)
The penis is generally cooked by steaming or deep frying, and can also be eaten raw.
Rats (various parts of the world)
Balut-Duck Fetus (Philippines, Cambodia, Vietnam, Thailand)
Jellied Cow's Foot (Poland)
Unfortunately, I don't have a picture of this for you to drool over. I hope this recipe helps you, though.
Buy a cow's foot in a butcher shop, chop it up and cook for hours & hours in water with spices, garlic, salt, pepper, etc. It is a good idea to evacuate the house during cooking time to avoid the overwhelming smell. Then pour this mess into a large flat pan and refrigerate. It sets to a nice translucent grey jelly with a layer of fat on top. Cut into large cubes and serve with lots of horseradish to kill the taste.
Blood Dumplings (Sweden)
Sorry, no picture of that available either. But here's what it is made of:
It's made of flour, reindeer blood and salt, served with bacon, butter and lingonberry jam. Cooked or fried. Yummy!
Baby Bees (Japan)
Monkey Brains (China)
Hu-Hu Grubs (New Zealand)
As an added bonus, I've included this link to a woman who cooks human placentas and even has a "special" recipe for it. I bet your mouth is watering already. Check it out if you have the guts.