About six months ago, my wife, Aunt Kay and I went to an all-you-can-gorge-on till ya vomit buffet. It was in a Chinese restaurant. I love Chinese food. I'll have three or four plates and take a couple of shits between plates.
Oh, did I share too much? Well, please pardone....
Anyway, it's around my birthday. Kay gives me a big shiny gift bag after we're done filling our bellies. To my surprise, I pull out a stuffed dog. A 12 inch Chihuahua. His face is in a fixed pose where his eyes are bulging and he's gritting his teeth. Kind of like he's havin' a stroke. His tag reads that his name is Humphrey The Dog.
I'm shocked.... or something. Kay says, "Pinch his ear!"
I pinch his ear.
Humphrey begins to move. Strangely, the dog begins to mount the air. Humphrey is humping the atmosphere as if there's no Saturday. He makes doggy moans, groans and cries of orgasm. I don't know if I should feel titillated with the utmost glee or.... what. And he even comes with a handy velcro strap to hold him securely against your leg. You know, in case you need that perfect addition to your dress or suit to go to a wedding, funeral.... or something.
Of course, I strapped Humphrey on that Saturday night in a crowded Chinese restaurant. What else could I do. While people ate beside us, I would play Humphrey every once in awhile for entertainment purposes. I felt it was my duty. The petite, oh-so-cute female Chinese waitresses turned away from my vulgar American existence. They were wishing me away. To be truthful, I did wonder momentarily if I was going to get thrown out. But, being me, I did not care. Most of the time, the "normals" sent weird looks my way. But, eh, I'm kinda used to that.
When it was time to leave, thus ending our enchanted evening, my aunt twisted my arm and made me strap Humphrey to my leg. My wife poked my left nipple with a fork.
But I'm not kidding about putting on the dog. To continue:
I strap the adorable, affectionate dog to my leg, flick the switch that turns him on and through the packed aisles of tables, I walk towards the door with a shaking, multi-orgasmic stuffed dog attached to myself. A few customers actually smiled and laughed. Which is a "truly normal" response. Some showed shock. Others continued filling themselves on their fourth or fifth plates.
Kay later said that she heard someone mutter, "Well.... that was weird."
For me, I had a good time testing people's reactions. It's funny how most people lack a sense of humor. A few do have one. It's those few I can relate to.
If you want to check out Humphrey for yourself, click on the link below.